ugh. what is this world.

I've been waking up sad recently. I had a matter of the heart go not the way I wanted it to. Then Bernie Sanders lost the CA primary. Then Christina Grimmie was murdered. Then Orlando. Then all of the other shootings. And there have been no changes. None. It hurts. All of it hurts so much. 

I don't have a hot take. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said. I don't want to argue with egg accounts on twitter about gun control. I don't want to post more sad and angry lyrics hoping he'll see them. I don't want to vote for a third party candidate. 

My therapist and I had to go back and so some deep dirty work recently. We did an exercise we haven't done for a while... I forgot until we got to the end, that it ends with lay down and die. Every choice is life or death. Every fear ends with giving up and curling up dying. And that's obviously not a choice. You don't lay down and die. What do you do?

I'm ending this a quote by one of my favorite writers/musicians. "every time shit like this happens my heart breaks open a little wider and the space that is left also gets filled with resolve. resolve to stay calm and compassionate and centered. unafraid. more loving. more convinced that there is value to stopping a breathing and considering what is necessary to say, and how, and when. to cause no more pain...we have enough. the ingredients that will actually add a drop of hope to the cesspool." - amanda palmer

You leave your heart open and you do the dirty work and you make it better. I don't know what this world is. But I want to make it a better place where girls like me don't wake up sad.  

these are a few of my favorite things...

It's my birthday! My favorite day of the year. I'll be 28 at 6:36pm. Being born on the 8th in the year 1988, means that 8 has been favorite number since I was a kid. I love numbers that end in 8, and 28 holds a special place in my heart, so I have high hopes for this year. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection (when aren't I?), and thinking about what this birthday means to me. I got stuck on the idea of favorites, so I'm dedicating this entry to myself and my favorite things! I'm kinda like Oprah, except there is absolutely nothing under your chair, unless you put it there yourself.

I wrote this "poem" (I hate the word poem, btw. It makes my skin crawl. I have the same reaction to it as the word moist. I just feel dirty after it) a few years ago for a project I've since put on pause. It's based on a very real event. 

i have favorites;

favorite songs, favorite films, favorite television shows, favorites words, favorite paintings, favorite books, favorite articles of clothing, favorite foods, favorite scents, favorite songs, favorite people, favorite memories.

my favorites can even be divided into sub-favorites; favorites of the moment, favorites during high school, favorites last winter, least favorites.

and i did not know why until i was hanging out with a boy

and i kept asking him what his favorite thing was;

season, type of weather, class at school

and he kept shrugging and i looked at him like he was crazy and he looked at me like i was crazy (and in hindsight i should have known my infatuation would go up in flames as it did three weeks later)

and he said, he didn't have a favorite anything. and i said, but everyone has to.

he said he never thought about it. i told him i always did. and he asked me

why. and i paused. and then said. stability.

he blinked and asked what i meant and i rehashed my parents and my childhood, (we had bonded over our broken families). 

no matter how many times my dad left, or fights i got into with my brothers, or friends i lost, when things on the outside changed

i was still a girl who like beauty and the beast, spicy tacos, spiced soy chai latte, and the addams family best of all.

no matter how many boys broke my heart, classes i didn't do well in, disappointments i heaped upon myself, 

i will always be someone who loves johnny rocket's because it reminds me of being a little girl and having lunch with my mom,  who likes fall, the rain, the ocean and the full moon best of all.

if i go somewhere else different, lose my family, my emotions change me into a monster, when things fall apart, the universe takes a shit on my life,

and all of the real things that make me a person fade away,

i can fill myself with favorite things like i'm a nun in the sound of music and my favorite things can pull me through until i find out who i am again. 

he cocked his head to the side and said it was cute. then he changed the subject, asked if i had any dvds and wantedto talk about using drugs and bad trips and i had nothing to say on the subject.

so we watched a few episodes of gossip girl before i pretended to be tired and asked him politely to leave. he dumped me a few weeks later in a text message.

i cried for a night, then the next morning, at my best friend and roommate’s behest i put on my favorite jeans, made up my face with my favorite glittered shadow, went to my favorite local coffee shop for a thai tea with soy milk,

and life rolled on, as it has a habit of doing.

I'm so deep, right? Anyway. Here's a list of my utterly favorite and most cherished things out of all the things in the universe. 

Albums

Depeche Mode - Violator, The Distillers - Coral Fang, AFI - Sing the Sorrow, No Doubt- Tragic Kingdom, David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars, Prince - Purple Rain, Tegan & Sara - The Con, The Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, The Cure - Disintegration, Britney Spears - Blackout, Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine, Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer?, The Spice Girls - Spice/Spice World, Nirvana - Nevermind, Hole - Live Through This, Siouxsie and the Banshees - Juju, Bauhaus - Mask The Go Go’s - Beauty and the Beat, Fleetwod Mac - Rumors,  Brand New - Deja Entendu, Marilyn Manson- Mechanical Animals, The Used - In Love and Death

Bands/Singers/Etc.

Prince, Depeche Mode, David Bowie, No Doubt, AFI, Blaqk Audio, Queen, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Cure, The Smiths, Cyndi Lauper, Oingo Boingo, Brody Dalle, Tiger Army, Nirvana, Hole, Tegan & Sara, The Horrorpops, Amanda Palmer, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Blink 182, All Time Low, Matchbook Romance, Alkaline Trio, Dashboard Confessional, O-Town, Lady Gaga, Good Charlotte, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Interpol, Brand New, My Chemical Romance, The Used, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Placebo, The Misfits, Motley Crue, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin, theSTART, 30 Seconds to Mars, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, Lacey Sturm, Girl In A Coma, Florence + The Machine, Paramore, VNV Nation, Emelie Autumn, Coheed and Cambria, Alien Ant Farm, Lights, PVRIS, Sleeping with Sirens, Set It Off, Black Veil Brides, Issues, Memphis May Fire, Falling In Reverse, Pierce the Veil, Melanie Martinez, Halsey, Banks, Beyoncé, The Weeknd, Drake, Justin Beiber, One Direction, Zayn

Movies

Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, What Dreams May Come, Bride of Frankenstein, Moulin Rouge, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jeux D’enfants, Inception, Labyrinth, The Godfather, Amadeus, Edward Scissorhands, Finding Neverland, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Batman, Kill Bill, Star Wars (The original trilogy), Closer, Gypsy 83, Unfaithful, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Tropic Thunder, A Goofy Movie, Hook, Jurassic Park, Star Trek, The Princess Bride, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Clueless, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Armageddon, The Silence of the Lambs, Studio 54, The Goonies, Monster Squad

Horror Movies

IT, Rob Zombie’s Halloween, The Scream Quadrilogy, The Cabin in the Woods, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, Psycho, Sleepwalkers, Silver Bullet, The Shining, Carrie, Nightmare on Elm Street, Paranormal Activity, Friday the 13th

Actors/Actresses

Christopher Lloyd, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Phylicia Rashad, Audrey Hepburn, Marlon Brando, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Dandridge, Lena Horne, Richard Pryor, Helena Bonham Carter, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Rene Russo, Christopher Walken, Anne Hathaway, Robert Downey Jr., Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence

TV Shows

The Addams Family, Alias, Game of Thrones, Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, How To Get Away With Murder, Parks and Recs, Bob’s Burgers, Archer, Gossip Girl, True Blood, The Simpsons, Saved By The Bell, Sex and the City, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Married with Children, Arrested Development, Gossip Girl, Elementary, Law and Order: SVU, Castle, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, Batman, The Munsters, Key and Peele, The Twilight Zone, Orange is the new Black, Once Upon a Time, Goosebumps, BoJack Horseman, Rizzoli and Isles 

Cartoons

Batman: The Animated Series, Jem, Recess, Sailor Moon, Steven Universe, Gargoyles, Duck Tales, Quack Pack, Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers, Tail Spin, Adventures of the Gummi Bears, Darkwing Duck, Animaniacs, Freakazoid, Bobby's World, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Taz-Mania, Eek! The Cat, Tiny Toon Adventures, X-Men, Doug, The Tick, Phineas and Ferb, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rugrats, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius

Books

Weetzie Bat, James and the Giant Peach, Their Eyes Were Watching God, The Stepford Wives, Needful Things, The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles, Breakfast At Tiffany’s, The Face on the Milk Carton, Christine, The Virgin Suicides, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Choke, Pride and Prejudice, Snuff, Catcher and the Rye, The Giver, The Bell Jar, Peeps, Tithe (trilogy), A Series of Unfortunate Events, Island of the Blue Dolphins

Plays

Medea, Antigone, Salome, Words Words Words, English Made Simple, Baby With the Bathwater, Hamletmachine, The Goat or Who Is Sylvia?, Savage/Love, Blood Wedding, The Crucible, Inherit the Wind, A Raisin in the Sun, Electra, Phaedra, Midsummer Night’s Dream, Fuente Ovejuna, The Tempest, King Lear, A Streetcar Named Desire, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Musicals

Into the Woods, Hamilton, Phantom of the Opera, The Book of Mormon, Chicago, Dreamgirls,Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Jesus Christ Superstar, Les Miserables, Little Shop of Horrors, Rent, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Sweeney Todd, Westside Story, Wicked, The Wiz, Cabaret

Foods (I was vegetarian for 9 years and am still mostly meatless, so most of these are the vegetarian versions)

Tacos, Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Waffles, Burritos, Cheese, Chili, Lasagna, Veggie Burgers, Nachos, Collard Greens, Egg rolls, Wonton Soup, Ice Cream, Soy Dogs, Mac and Cheese, Peach Cobbler, Gumbo, Cookies, Cheese Cake, Grilled Cheese, PB & J, French Fries, Cinnamon Rolls, Chips and Salsa, Tomato Soup

Fruits and Veggies

Potatoes, Avocados, Watermelon, Peaches, Strawberries, Tomato, Brussel Sprouts, Cabbage, Cucumber, Mushrooms, Pumpkins

Flavors of Ice Cream

Strawberry, Mint Chip, Ben N Jerry's Cookie Dough,  Ben N Jerry's Half Baked,  Ben N Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup

Junk Foods

Dorritos, Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles, Hot Cheeto Fries, Chocolate Donettes, Cup O’ Noodle/Top Ramen, Kettle Korn

Cereals

Trix, Frosted Mini Wheats, Oh’s, Raisin Bran, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Golden Grahams

Candy

Pink Starburst, Haribo Gummy Bears, Milky Way, Jelly Belly’s, Milky Way Midnight, Peanut Butter M&M’s

Drinks

Coffee, Coca Cola (especially Vanilla or Cherry), Tea, Sweet Tea, Champagne, Beer, Sparkling Water, Moscow Mules, Margaritas, Salty Dogs

Starbucks Orders

Soy Chai, Cold Brew coffee with soy milk, Soy caramel macchiato, Strawberry Acai refresher, Citrus green tea latte with soy, Mango black tea , Soy Cinnamon dulce latte, 

Holidays

Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, Valentines Day, Halloween, Christmas

Things to Do

Sing, Read, Write, Go to shows, Take naps, Laugh, Watch movies, Go to live theater, be kissed, Walk on the shore, Drive really fast late at night, Go to conventions and fan stuff, Be in nature for limited amounts of time, Be with the people I love, Call people by their full names 

Yeah, I like a lot of stuff. I also dislike a lot of stuff, but that's for a different post. Maybe my half birthday?

Here's to the next year. Maybe it full of growth, change, happiness, and favorites. 

Oh, I made you a bonus playlist. Full of, you guessed it, my favorite songs. Enjoy. xoxo 

Not Enough

There's not enough of me.

There isn't enough left.

I gave too many pieces away.

I didn't think that I'd need some for myself.

I wanted to help.

I wanted to make you happy.

I wanted to fill your holes.

So I reached into myself.

I reached in and I scooped out the parts I thought you would like.

The song lyrics.

The recipes.

The favorite episodes of favorite television shows.

The photos of the favorite parts of my body.

The smiles.

The quotes.

The parts of myself that I loved.

That I thought you would love.

That I thought I would always have access to, because you would be there.

But you are not here.

And there's not enough of me left now.

Because you weren't the first.

But there isn't enough of me.

There's not enough of me to go around.

I am not a bowl of macaroni at a cook out.

I should not have let so many take plates to go.

Because there's not enough of me left to go around.

There's not enough of me left for me.

May 2016 Playlist

You thought I had forgotten, didn't you? I didn't. It's just been a BUSY BUSY week. I haven't been writing much about my life and what's going on it. Hasn't been much to report; but I'm going to explain why in my next post.

Anyway; here's a taste of what I've been into this month. Enjoy!