happy/sad

“I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I don’t intend this to be a long entry but it’s something I need to put out into the universe.

This week last year was a big week of my life. I both mourned my Grandmother’s death on January 25th and celebrated the wedding of one of my best friend’s (Sirose) on January 30th. My Grandmother was laid to rest on February 10th and on February 11th my mom, my niece, my best friend Sami, and I went to Disneyland to get the taste of mourning out of our mouths.

Last year was a year of happy/sad for me and I am still thinking and unpacking and figuring out where that puts me now. I have been feeling more like I am the half idea expressed in a parenthesis than a full sentence, recently. When one door closes, another one opens, but it sure is hell in the hallway. I am in the hallway. The last time I was stuck in the hallway, I was applying to Grad Schools and working a part time, minimum wage job I hated, knowing that when the semester started I’d be a completely different person. I don’t know what’s beyond the next open door (Insert Frozen “Love is an Open Door” joke). I think I’m better prepared to walk through it this time. I hate free time. I really fucking do. I don’t know how to relax or vacation and it drives me crazy. I’ve had more free time in the last six months than I have in years and while part of it is nursing burn out (I was at my old job for four years and only once took more than 5 days off in a row), I am so bored I’m gonna lose my mind. 

January is almost over. This was a trial month with the option to buy. My real 2016 starts in February. I am asking for happy/happy. I think I deserve it.

Be gentle with yourselves and each other.

xo

Weird Dream

Pardon our dust, this corridor of the mall is going through some improvements! (What I mean is, I'm redesigning to better align with my vision and professional goals, but I accidentally deleted some of the old parts of the website and now things look weird. I need to afford to pay someone to do the stuff for me). 

Anyway, I don't have anything particularly important to talk about. It's been ages since I talked about anything going on; I've been in my own world a lot recently. That'll be coming to an end soon. 

I had this really vivid dream about cheesecake earlier and was super pissed when I woke up and there was no cheesecake. That’s not the dream that I want to talk about though. This other dream I had last night, was really weird. I dream about fighting when I’m stressed out. It’s one of those subconscious things I’ve begun to recognize about myself. I can have a dream about fighting someone, and know there’s a problem I’m not letting myself deal with and then spend some time alone and figuring my shit out until the fighting dreams stop. For someone who threatens to punch people in the face a lot, and actually takes pride in having punched a grown man in the face during a mosh pit, I hate fighting. I fucking hate it. I think it’s rude, and disgusting, and violent, and watching MMA made me cry once. I fucking hate fighting. I don’t even like arguing that much. 

So, I had this crap ass dream about fighting. Usually, my standard fighting nightmare features me arguing or fighting with the same person every time, so even though I wake up sweaty and short of breath, I can turn that off and go back to sleep rather quickly. This one was different. I was a student at my old elementary school and this girl kept following me. She was smaller than I was, and had curly blonde hair, and criticized every fucking thing I did. I slumped and had posture, I smelled weird, I wasn’t a good singer, I should give up…I didn’t matter what I did in the dream, this bitch kept running her goddamned mouth. My friends kept telling her to stop and I kept telling them to ignore her, but neither approach matter, because the bitch kept going. She ran her mouth until I couldn’t take it anymore and we started fighting. I let this little bitch have it before I woke up. I thought it was weird, but went to move about my day. 

I was getting my nails done, which I think of as a necessary evil. I love the end result and it keeps me from biting them to shit, but sitting still for an hour and letting someone touch me is personal torture. I slouched in my chair and reproached myself, “Stop slouching, everyone is going to think you’re a slob”. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. That little bitch in the dream was just another version of me*. The me that has been giving myself hell recently.

I got some shit to work on.

xo

*There's a school of psychology that thinks everyone in your dreams is you. I think it's Freud or Jung? I don't feel like googling this.

15 Year Old Me or My Second Adolescence

I’ve been joking I’m in my second adolescence. I don’t know how much of a joke it is. I wore the same My Chemical Romance t-shirt two days in a row this weekend. I had been feeling like this for a while, and then a few weeks ago I came across this article; http://elitedaily.com/life/late-20s-adolescence/1266960/. Thank you, Zara Barrie! I don’t like this feeling, but I love this feeling. While I was not aware at the time, 15 year old me was one of the most badass people on the planet. Okay, part of me was aware of it, because I was both cocky and insecure. I suppose I still am. Anyway.

15 year old me knew she was on the verge of greatness. Her life sucked, but things were about to be so sweet. She was going to go a great liberal arts college far away from her small town and meet people who accepted and loved her. She did that. She was going to meet young men who weren’t afraid of her. She did that. She was going to spend most of her free time dancing in mosh pits and dark goth clubs. She did that. She had dreams and passions and she went after them. She staged protests in her high school quads and got into fights because she believed in things and people. 15 year old me had the skill that all teen age girls have; “…every single fucking thing a teenage girl has to deal with, they still manage to do something so mind blowing, yet completely simple: love, unabashedly.” (Quoted from one of my favorite tumblr posts ever. Yes, I’m citing tumblr, gtfo if you don’t like it). 15 year old me was loud and in your face because she was so full of love. Love for life, love for bands, love for fandoms, love for her friends, just crazy in love with any and everything. Her opinions were loud and brash and she had no problem expressing them. When she was sad she was fucking sad and she had no shame about it. She was honest as fuck. She laid the foundation for a pretty rad early 20's.

If I get to be that person again, but with the knowledge and experience I have again now, I will definitely take a second adolescence. Sign me the fuck up. I’ll deal with all of my awkward emotions, insecurities, and weirdness about where I am in life, if it means I get to be that loving, ridiculous, get shit done person I was then. I’m gonna listen to my music loud as fuck, have crushes on dudes, cry when I feel like it, and do all of the shit I haven’t been doing, because I was so busy trying to “adult”. Fuck it. What do I have to lose?

My filter for most big life altering decisions is; would 15 year old me be okay with this? And if I have to think about that answer, then I need to rethink my decision. I love time travel. Ya’ll know this. I continually think that someday a younger version of myself is going to show up out of nowhere, ala Disney’s The Kid, and I’m going to have some explaining to do. As a writer/musician/film maker, I have always wanted to make young adult media. Teenage girls have always been my target audience. I want to represent my younger self, who needed media that she saw herself in. I want to honor my younger self and all that she went through to make me the person I am now. 

Maybe 40 year old me, will feel the same about 20’s me. 

xo

Fall 2015 Recipe

I've been having a very distinct internal struggle the past few months. How do I keep one foot firmly rotted in my present and make good decisions for me today, while also remaining focused on my future and planning for that? I haven't come up with a good answer. I feel like I am very close to becoming the woman I've always wanted to be, and yet I'm still not her and am various versions of my messy younger self. The moment I feel like I might have my ducks in a row, one of them up and wanders off. 

I am very focused on my future plans. Any decision made for today that feels like a sidestep or detour on that journey is intensely frustrating. However, I'm aware that the process has to be trusted and I think back on all of the times in my life that seemed random as they started and were highly significant as they ended. I often think of all of the cliche motivational quotes I was surrounded with in school; "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" and "Just because it's not happening right now, doesn't mean it never will". I keep"May the space between where I am and where I want to be inspire me" and "Be stubborn about your goals, but flexible about your methods" close to my heart. However, as I muse about my goals, plans, and how to go about my journey a small, voice nags at me, "think about your real life". Which causes me to roll my eyes in both confusion and annoyance. At this point, which is my real life? My day to day drudgery; or my Pinterest board future? I don't have an answer. 

What I do know is that I can be my best self everyday and manifest goodness and fulfillment into my everyday life until my future becomes my present. I'm currently figuring out what that looks like Fall 2015. You know, Fall. Only my favorite season and all I've been able to talk about since the first week of August. I've been rooting around online trying to figure out what's going to be "trendy" and what I'll want to incorporate into my going ons. I want to take things that will help bridge the gap between this version of me, and that version of me. It looks to be a very promising season (as long as the weather in LA can get with the program). Let's take a look together...

Fashion Apparently bohemian inspired fashion is going be back in a big way. Expect to see flared pants, bold dark floral prints, patchwork, and fringes. Grey, metallics, and pastels are supposedly going to be big in the color pallet. Silhouettes are going to emphasize the waist or leave one shoulder exposed. 

I'm basically not on board with any of this. I hate pastels, I don't like patchwork, and fringes never went out of style to me so how can they be back? I'm down with dark florals, metallics, and possibly flared pants. Also, let me get back on my gym regimen before we talk about emphasizing my waist.

Things I always feel are in style for fall; plaids, beanies, wide brim hats, layering, ankle booties, and scarves. 

Make Up Things that ruled the runway; red lips, crazy smudgy black liner, blush instead of contouring, metallics, dark almost black lips, bold eyeshadow, and crazy false lashes. 

I have mixed feelings about this. First of all, runway makeup always just looks like a mess. Secondly, I (again), don't think any of these things ever went out of style, it just varies by personal taste. Makeup is one of those things that you have to tailor to your individual tastes. I, usually, won't leave the house without a really dark lip and enough eyeliner to make Gerard Way feel underdressed, but that's just my taste. 

Hair Again off of the runway; texture, side swept styles, platinum blonde, copper, bayalage, grey, rose gold, pastel hair. 

I can get on board with all of this. I am probably going to do something very drastic to my hair, very soon. I just can't decide what, because everything sounds so enticing! 

Food No food "trends" so to speak, but I'm really going to attempt to stuff my face with every single pumpkin, maple, and sweet potato flavored thing I can find between now and January. Starbucks, for the first time in four years, has introduced a new fall drink. I haven't tried it (yet), but keep an eye on my Twitter, because I'm sure it will happen within the next few days. 

Shows Oh man. Oh, man. There are some gooooooooood bands passing through Los Angeles between now and the end of the year. Taste of Chaos (a throwback to my teen years) is happening for the first time in AGES with a primarily old school line up (THE USED, JIMMY EAT WORLD AND TAKING BACK SUNDAY). I'm so excited. 

Hozier, Florence + The Machine, Chvrches, Marilyn Manson, Black Veil Brides, Sleeping with Sirens, Tiger Army, Falling In Reverse, Jhene Aiki, Evanescence, Frank Iero, New Found Glory/Yellowcard, Gogol Bordello, Mooseblood, The Weeknd/Banks/Halsey, Lights, Our Last Night, and The Academy Is... will all hopefully have spots on my dance card. Those are just the shows I marked on my calendar, there are waaaaaaay more happening that I couldn't squeeze in. Do yourself a favor and go see some live music this fall. Not only are a lot of really good bands on tour, but it's a sure fire way to break up the monotony of the cooler evenings that are usually spent at home. 

Haunts and Halloween-esque Activities So, one of the things that I love about fall (and one of the reasons it's my favorite) is Halloween. I really love creepy stuff and horror movies and monsters and weird things. So, Halloween and horror themed entertainment usually rule my October weekends. 

This year I'm looking forward to, but probably won't have enough time to do all of the following;

• The Experiment; A Rocky Horror/Hedwig and the Angry Inch Mashup Play Sept 11-Oct 31
• Universal Halloween Horror Nights Weekends Sept. 18 - Nov. 1
• Mickey's Halloween Party @ Disneyland 
• Ghoulmaster Haunted Playhouse (a spooky play!) Sept 25-Oct. 31 
• Haunted Hayride Weekends Oct 2-Oct. 31
• Queen Mary Haunted Harbor Weekends Oct. 1 - Oct. 31 
• Knotts Scary Farm Weekends Oct 3 - 31 
• Rise of the Pumpkins - A Pumpkin Carving ExhibitionWeekends Oct 2-Oct. 31
• Haunted Stadium in Lake Elsinore 
• Coffin Creek 5 Haunted Attractions and a Market Place 
• The Hollows Market (Spooky Flea Market) Sat Oct. 24th (Santa Anita Racetrack) 

Horror movies! Fall is the best time to crawl under the covers with a bag of chips and a horror movie. The less sunlight there is, the more time there are for creeps to haunt our dreams. My favorite horror series of all time is Scream. I would also recommend Halloween, Rob Zombie's Halloween, The Cabin In The Woods, and Psycho for home viewing this year. I’m looking forward to seeing The Final Girls, Knock Knock, Victor Frankenstein and The Krampus in theaters. 

New Televison/Movies/Music I won’t be reviewing television and movies here that often (because reasons…you’ll all find out soon enough), but I am excited about the following shows; Once Upon a Time, Blood and Oil, Gotham, The Muppets, Scream Queens, Empire, and the entire TGIT on ABC lineup. Movies on my radar include; The Martian, Goosebumps, Crimson Peak, Room, The Hunger Games: MockingJay Pt. 2, The Good Dinosaur, The Peanuts Movie, By The Sea, Creed, Sisters, The Hateful 8, and STAR WARS: EPISODE 7 THE FORCE AWAKENS (yes, caps were necessary).

Spending Time With Friends and Family From mid September to Mid February is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it; but particularly the attention spent to being with those that you love. My friend structure is changing. I think that’s a side effect of your life entering a new phase. I am very thankful for my current support system. I can’t wait to display my gratitude with squashes and hand turkeys. 

I'm still trying to figure things out...Maybe I always will be and that's part of life. Did you see Matthew McConaughey's Academy Award acceptance speech? He basically said he always wanted to be inspired by his future self, that he always wanted to have a dream to chase. I feel that.

Until next time.

xo