I’ve been joking I’m in my second adolescence. I don’t know how much of a joke it is. I wore the same My Chemical Romance t-shirt two days in a row this weekend. I had been feeling like this for a while, and then a few weeks ago I came across this article; http://elitedaily.com/life/late-20s-adolescence/1266960/. Thank you, Zara Barrie! I don’t like this feeling, but I love this feeling. While I was not aware at the time, 15 year old me was one of the most badass people on the planet. Okay, part of me was aware of it, because I was both cocky and insecure. I suppose I still am. Anyway.
15 year old me knew she was on the verge of greatness. Her life sucked, but things were about to be so sweet. She was going to go a great liberal arts college far away from her small town and meet people who accepted and loved her. She did that. She was going to meet young men who weren’t afraid of her. She did that. She was going to spend most of her free time dancing in mosh pits and dark goth clubs. She did that. She had dreams and passions and she went after them. She staged protests in her high school quads and got into fights because she believed in things and people. 15 year old me had the skill that all teen age girls have; “…every single fucking thing a teenage girl has to deal with, they still manage to do something so mind blowing, yet completely simple: love, unabashedly.” (Quoted from one of my favorite tumblr posts ever. Yes, I’m citing tumblr, gtfo if you don’t like it). 15 year old me was loud and in your face because she was so full of love. Love for life, love for bands, love for fandoms, love for her friends, just crazy in love with any and everything. Her opinions were loud and brash and she had no problem expressing them. When she was sad she was fucking sad and she had no shame about it. She was honest as fuck. She laid the foundation for a pretty rad early 20's.
If I get to be that person again, but with the knowledge and experience I have again now, I will definitely take a second adolescence. Sign me the fuck up. I’ll deal with all of my awkward emotions, insecurities, and weirdness about where I am in life, if it means I get to be that loving, ridiculous, get shit done person I was then. I’m gonna listen to my music loud as fuck, have crushes on dudes, cry when I feel like it, and do all of the shit I haven’t been doing, because I was so busy trying to “adult”. Fuck it. What do I have to lose?
My filter for most big life altering decisions is; would 15 year old me be okay with this? And if I have to think about that answer, then I need to rethink my decision. I love time travel. Ya’ll know this. I continually think that someday a younger version of myself is going to show up out of nowhere, ala Disney’s The Kid, and I’m going to have some explaining to do. As a writer/musician/film maker, I have always wanted to make young adult media. Teenage girls have always been my target audience. I want to represent my younger self, who needed media that she saw herself in. I want to honor my younger self and all that she went through to make me the person I am now.
Maybe 40 year old me, will feel the same about 20’s me.
xo