I dream of never being called resilient again in my life.
I'm exhausted by strength. I want support. I want softness. I want ease.
I want to be amongst kin. Not patted on the back for how well I take a hit.
Or for how many.
zandashé l'orelia brown @zandashe
I deserve softness. This is a conversation my friends and I have been having in private for some time, and it’s been on my mind a lot recently. I’m tired of being strong. I no longer want to be resilient. I want to rest. I want to relax. I want to enjoy the life I’ve had to fight to build. We are told to choose our battles, and I am choosing fewer and fewer battles. But, choosing fewer battles is not enough.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album, Chemistry, broke my brain. She wrote about her divorce in such an honest, vulnerable, and universal way. I saw myself in so many of the lyrics. I kept going back to the song “Mine”, and this bit from the chorus, “Go ahead and break my heart that’s fine”… how many times have I allowed people to hurt me without repercussions, because I knew that I’d be able to heal, because I’d healed before. How many times have I been wronged and chosen not to fight back? That’s not fighting, but it is resilience. And it’s a burden that I am done bearing.
Within the same week I had three different men say the following to me; “you’re a fighter, I can tell”, “you deserve princess treatment”, and “ I just want to see you”. None of them were wrong, but the last two are the only ones I allowed to enter my heart. I am no longer accepting people who bring me fights. I am accepting princess treatment. That’s what I deserve. Just wanting to see me is princess treatment.
I want to be amongst kin; people who see the fighter in me, but don’t ask her to come out and fight. I suppose that’s part of being a princess right; ruling over a kingdom is hard work. When I was a child and I’d play princess, my mom would play one of my royal advisors and bring me the problems of my “people” (my Barbie’s and stuffed animals) and ask me how I was going to attend to them, as their leader. After working for my people, then there was tea and treats. And I am firmly in my tea and treats era.
If you’re not bringing joy and softness and kindness and grace and understanding to my kingdom - don’t come.