Thank You

*I stole this from a writing on Chipotle cup. It resonated with me. I hope the author doesn't mind. My gratitude game has been slacking in favor of my complaining game. 

THANK YOU

My first love taught me what a power chord was. The girl he kissed in front of me, breaking my heart, apologized for hurting me and asked if we could still be friends. Cobain said, "Your writing has a common theme...resilience". My uncle drew me a color coded diagram when I said reading sheet music was too hard. Nicole helped dye my hair purple in a dorm room bathroom. Mike asked me how was doing after I had my wisdom teeth pulled and couldn't come to work. Some girl who's name I never learned sat next to me on a bench while I cried and told me it was going to be okay. My mom always answers the phone when I'm on the other end. Kirsten never gave me an A, because she knew I could do better. My fifth grade teacher bought me a copy of the book she had read out loud to our class for Christmas, because I liked it so much. Hailey and Jessi took me to Chipotle for the first time and paid for my burrito because I didn't have money. Anthony told me to always go out with my friends and make memories, even if I had to drink water and order off of the dollar menu. Sirose made a Facebook post asking if anyone was interested in being part of a group cosplay. Sami held my hand during my grandmother's funeral. James asked me to model for him. Richard agreed to my personal trainer when I wanted to be physically strong, because I was so emotionally weak. My other uncle got me tickets to go see Good Charlotte for my 14th birthday. My brother told me I wasn't a good writer. Davey Havok and Gerard Way we're both really kind when I met them, even though I was being weird and emotional. Chozzen went to see Black Veil Brides with me. Heaven Ashlee is never afraid to ask for help. Nico said "e-mail me your resume, I'll see what I can do". Jon and Chelsea consider me their friend. Miles and Rini paid for my favorite tattoo. Coco thinks I'm cool. So does Vivian. Sigma Kappa reminds me that there's a vision larger than my own. Annelisa is probably the dopest person I know. Jameson can talk music all night. Tara never gives me shit for forgetting to text her back. Joli said, "let's carpool!" Louie and Liz love sharing a good beer. My oldest brother first showed me Star Wars. Wendy Lau wrote me a letter of recommendation. Jamie asked me to be an advisor. Amber and Alicia showed me Seattle, and when Adam told me about a really cool bar while I was there, Bonnie and Shana checked it out with me. Beth helps me write melodies. Kirsten had lunch with me after getting her iPod replaced. Nicole texts me positive things. Caitlyn and I have a lot of the same opinions. Brittani always want to go out for pancakes. David, Tony, and Denise because my friends after being my teachers. Donna loves to dance with me. Eva is always willing to listen. Jonny throws great parties and gives good advice. Tommy asked me to write for his website. Jordan was my best friend. Cynthia made my Spanish better. Skyy told me to stop mean mugging; life couldn't be that bad. My aunt likes to get her nails done too, so we would go together. The sad guy at the burger stand said he liked my KISS shirt. The two kids in my neighborhood told me to believe in myself after I fell off of my bike in front of their house. My former boss tried to fire me.  You read my blog. 

In the (dis)interest of passing

Passing is the ability of a person to be regarded as a member of social groups other than his or her own, such as a different race, ethnicity, caste, social class, gender, age and/or disability status, generally with the purpose of gaining social acceptance or to cope with difference anxiety.

I have no interest in passing. This story has to begin with the understand that the Western world is measured using the straight white male as the bar. I am a black cishet female. That’s how I was born. It’s the most base thing I can be categorized as. Before I went to school, before I discovered subculture, before I met friend groups, that was me. I do not have the ability or desire to pass as anything else; one look and you know that I am a black (I don’t think you can tell whether or not someone is cishet just by looking) female. 

I am also neurodivergent; I have an extremely high IQ, I have synesthesia, and I’ve already been open about my struggles with depression and anxiety. These are things about me that you can’t see immediately, some of them you might never know if I didn’t disclose them to you. However, they certainly make me an “other” when in a group of people.

Because of the aforementioned things, I spent most of my life not fitting in. I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and was in GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) programs from third grade forward. I was different from the other kids, but I wasn’t weird per se. Not until middle school. Then I became weird. Then I was ostracized from my peer group and shit got difficult. This is also when I started to get way into the alternative music scene. It was early 2002-2003, the birth of the “scene” phase, and my time.

Being a part of the scene became everything to me. I was regarded as weird because of my physical appearance and because of my brain. I found solace in the lyrics about being downtrodden and outcast. I had always had an attraction to horror movies and creepy shit. The scene became my home. My hair has been every color of the rainbow, I've got multiple tattoos and piercings, 90% of my wardrobe is black. I go to shows, I play guitar, long after the scene has "died" I am still here. I was offended by the "emo-revival" last year, because to me emo never went anywhere. 

I loved being so outwardly "other", because I was so inwardly "other". At the time I had no understanding of passing. I had a "me" and "them". I had a very narrow, teen-age version of "me" and "them". "Me"; black, really smart, always sad, loved to write, read comics, still played with barbies in secret, played guitar in public, family didn't have money, hated football games, not popular, and didn't fit in if my life depended on it. "Them"; mostly white, super peppy, barely passed their classes, were totally cool and drank at parties, got invited to parties, listened to pop music in public, families had money, and were a part of the crowd. I was not one of "them" and never would be. There was no point in trying. I only realized this, because I tried. I tried and failed; no matter how much Hollister I wasted my mom's money on; there was always someone around to remind me I was black and then ask to copy my homework. So, I dug in, excelled in my classes, took office in extracurricular clubs, and did it all with flaming pink hair. 

Then I met people (besides me) who celebrated the person I was, despite my being an other. I went to college on scholarship because of my academic strength. I pledged a sorority. A lot of people will read this sentence and say what? I did. I had no intention of rushing, let alone pledging. I was tricked into it by the Student Life advisor at my campus; he was familiar with me and my on campus involvement in high school. I told him it wasn't for me, I wasn't "that girl". I thought for sure no organization would bid me; I wore fishnets to recruitment and said "Marilyn Manson" when one of the women asked me what my favorite band was. However, my (future) sisters loved that about me. They saw a unique young woman with leadership qualities, who wasn't afraid to stand on her own, and was pretty engaging once you got her talking. The camaraderie I experienced as a sister convinced me I did not have to pass; awesome people would see me for who I was. 

And then I got a job a retail. As I've hinted before, I was a computer and mobile device technician up until May 2015. My location had catered to an older affluent crowd. My coworkers and managers were generally young, hip, forward thinking people. No one batted an eye at my septum ring or my purple hair or my tattooed back. They mostly wanted to pick my brain. But, in retail, customers generally think they can say whatever they want to you without consequences. I was called "the black girl with too much makeup", I was called "the girl with silly nose ring", I was accused of being racist against black people...the list goes on. My manager one day, a young tattooed woman, herself sat me down after a particularly harsh customer and asked, "why don't you just take the septum out at work? It's not all about how you look." 

But, it is. I could have a symmetrical naturally colored hair cut. I could take out all of my piercings. My (current) tattoos are generally all covered by clothing unless it's very warm out. But, I'm still a black woman after all of the drag is washed away. I'm thinking of Viola Davis's Emmy award winning scene in How to Get Away with Murder. You know the one. And then I'm thinking about how Viola Davis was the first black woman to win a Best Actress in a Dramatic Series Oscar. I'm thinking about the year I spent trying to pass in high school; only to be told by a drama teacher I couldn't have the role I was overly qualified to play because I was black. I'm thinking about the customers who refused to work with me and demanded a man because "they know more about this computer stuff". 

I started writing this because I met an emo girl in a professional setting. She was trying so hard to pretend she wasn't emo. Wearing a sweater to cover tattoos on an 80 degree day, hair pulled up so you couldn't see the streaks unless you looked hard, pops of color on the black clothing. I wanted to pull her aside and tell her "It's not worth it. Anyone who is going to judge you for that is still going to judge once they get to know you. Let that freak flag fly". 

I have no interest in passing. I might not show all of my cards on the first meeting. But, I will never ever try to diminish myself in any capacity for other people. I've been there. I tried it. But, I'm still me regardless. Outwardly other, inwardly other. I know I speak from a place of cishet privilege, and I'm not writing this at all to diminish my LGBTQ brothers and sisters. I know for them passing can be a matter of life and death. I say this all to diminish the society that wants to bend everyone to one standard. The same society that makes my skin a matter of life and death. We have got to stand up to this fucking system. Standing up to the system is why I have no interest in passing. 

Fall 2015 Recipe

I've been having a very distinct internal struggle the past few months. How do I keep one foot firmly rotted in my present and make good decisions for me today, while also remaining focused on my future and planning for that? I haven't come up with a good answer. I feel like I am very close to becoming the woman I've always wanted to be, and yet I'm still not her and am various versions of my messy younger self. The moment I feel like I might have my ducks in a row, one of them up and wanders off. 

I am very focused on my future plans. Any decision made for today that feels like a sidestep or detour on that journey is intensely frustrating. However, I'm aware that the process has to be trusted and I think back on all of the times in my life that seemed random as they started and were highly significant as they ended. I often think of all of the cliche motivational quotes I was surrounded with in school; "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" and "Just because it's not happening right now, doesn't mean it never will". I keep"May the space between where I am and where I want to be inspire me" and "Be stubborn about your goals, but flexible about your methods" close to my heart. However, as I muse about my goals, plans, and how to go about my journey a small, voice nags at me, "think about your real life". Which causes me to roll my eyes in both confusion and annoyance. At this point, which is my real life? My day to day drudgery; or my Pinterest board future? I don't have an answer. 

What I do know is that I can be my best self everyday and manifest goodness and fulfillment into my everyday life until my future becomes my present. I'm currently figuring out what that looks like Fall 2015. You know, Fall. Only my favorite season and all I've been able to talk about since the first week of August. I've been rooting around online trying to figure out what's going to be "trendy" and what I'll want to incorporate into my going ons. I want to take things that will help bridge the gap between this version of me, and that version of me. It looks to be a very promising season (as long as the weather in LA can get with the program). Let's take a look together...

Fashion Apparently bohemian inspired fashion is going be back in a big way. Expect to see flared pants, bold dark floral prints, patchwork, and fringes. Grey, metallics, and pastels are supposedly going to be big in the color pallet. Silhouettes are going to emphasize the waist or leave one shoulder exposed. 

I'm basically not on board with any of this. I hate pastels, I don't like patchwork, and fringes never went out of style to me so how can they be back? I'm down with dark florals, metallics, and possibly flared pants. Also, let me get back on my gym regimen before we talk about emphasizing my waist.

Things I always feel are in style for fall; plaids, beanies, wide brim hats, layering, ankle booties, and scarves. 

Make Up Things that ruled the runway; red lips, crazy smudgy black liner, blush instead of contouring, metallics, dark almost black lips, bold eyeshadow, and crazy false lashes. 

I have mixed feelings about this. First of all, runway makeup always just looks like a mess. Secondly, I (again), don't think any of these things ever went out of style, it just varies by personal taste. Makeup is one of those things that you have to tailor to your individual tastes. I, usually, won't leave the house without a really dark lip and enough eyeliner to make Gerard Way feel underdressed, but that's just my taste. 

Hair Again off of the runway; texture, side swept styles, platinum blonde, copper, bayalage, grey, rose gold, pastel hair. 

I can get on board with all of this. I am probably going to do something very drastic to my hair, very soon. I just can't decide what, because everything sounds so enticing! 

Food No food "trends" so to speak, but I'm really going to attempt to stuff my face with every single pumpkin, maple, and sweet potato flavored thing I can find between now and January. Starbucks, for the first time in four years, has introduced a new fall drink. I haven't tried it (yet), but keep an eye on my Twitter, because I'm sure it will happen within the next few days. 

Shows Oh man. Oh, man. There are some gooooooooood bands passing through Los Angeles between now and the end of the year. Taste of Chaos (a throwback to my teen years) is happening for the first time in AGES with a primarily old school line up (THE USED, JIMMY EAT WORLD AND TAKING BACK SUNDAY). I'm so excited. 

Hozier, Florence + The Machine, Chvrches, Marilyn Manson, Black Veil Brides, Sleeping with Sirens, Tiger Army, Falling In Reverse, Jhene Aiki, Evanescence, Frank Iero, New Found Glory/Yellowcard, Gogol Bordello, Mooseblood, The Weeknd/Banks/Halsey, Lights, Our Last Night, and The Academy Is... will all hopefully have spots on my dance card. Those are just the shows I marked on my calendar, there are waaaaaaay more happening that I couldn't squeeze in. Do yourself a favor and go see some live music this fall. Not only are a lot of really good bands on tour, but it's a sure fire way to break up the monotony of the cooler evenings that are usually spent at home. 

Haunts and Halloween-esque Activities So, one of the things that I love about fall (and one of the reasons it's my favorite) is Halloween. I really love creepy stuff and horror movies and monsters and weird things. So, Halloween and horror themed entertainment usually rule my October weekends. 

This year I'm looking forward to, but probably won't have enough time to do all of the following;

• The Experiment; A Rocky Horror/Hedwig and the Angry Inch Mashup Play Sept 11-Oct 31
• Universal Halloween Horror Nights Weekends Sept. 18 - Nov. 1
• Mickey's Halloween Party @ Disneyland 
• Ghoulmaster Haunted Playhouse (a spooky play!) Sept 25-Oct. 31 
• Haunted Hayride Weekends Oct 2-Oct. 31
• Queen Mary Haunted Harbor Weekends Oct. 1 - Oct. 31 
• Knotts Scary Farm Weekends Oct 3 - 31 
• Rise of the Pumpkins - A Pumpkin Carving ExhibitionWeekends Oct 2-Oct. 31
• Haunted Stadium in Lake Elsinore 
• Coffin Creek 5 Haunted Attractions and a Market Place 
• The Hollows Market (Spooky Flea Market) Sat Oct. 24th (Santa Anita Racetrack) 

Horror movies! Fall is the best time to crawl under the covers with a bag of chips and a horror movie. The less sunlight there is, the more time there are for creeps to haunt our dreams. My favorite horror series of all time is Scream. I would also recommend Halloween, Rob Zombie's Halloween, The Cabin In The Woods, and Psycho for home viewing this year. I’m looking forward to seeing The Final Girls, Knock Knock, Victor Frankenstein and The Krampus in theaters. 

New Televison/Movies/Music I won’t be reviewing television and movies here that often (because reasons…you’ll all find out soon enough), but I am excited about the following shows; Once Upon a Time, Blood and Oil, Gotham, The Muppets, Scream Queens, Empire, and the entire TGIT on ABC lineup. Movies on my radar include; The Martian, Goosebumps, Crimson Peak, Room, The Hunger Games: MockingJay Pt. 2, The Good Dinosaur, The Peanuts Movie, By The Sea, Creed, Sisters, The Hateful 8, and STAR WARS: EPISODE 7 THE FORCE AWAKENS (yes, caps were necessary).

Spending Time With Friends and Family From mid September to Mid February is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it; but particularly the attention spent to being with those that you love. My friend structure is changing. I think that’s a side effect of your life entering a new phase. I am very thankful for my current support system. I can’t wait to display my gratitude with squashes and hand turkeys. 

I'm still trying to figure things out...Maybe I always will be and that's part of life. Did you see Matthew McConaughey's Academy Award acceptance speech? He basically said he always wanted to be inspired by his future self, that he always wanted to have a dream to chase. I feel that.

Until next time.

xo

Make Your Own Pumpkin Spice Latte!

Happy #FirstDayOfFall! Here's a recipe for the ULTIMATE pumpkin spice latte.

Posted by Above Average on Wednesday, September 23, 2015

visionbort

I've been sick all week, so I didn't get much of a chance to gather my thoughts and figure out what I really wanted to write... Actually, I did, but I couldn't pull that post together in time because it wasn't "talking" to me. This post was. 

Summer really officially ends this week. Thank god. Fall is my favorite season. Look up any “basic white girl who loves fall meme” and it’s basically me. My life is in a period of significant change right now. It's both empowering and terrifying. I'm having some serious growing pains. However, I don’t think it could be happening at a better time of year. September is more my January than January is. It always reminds me of new textbooks and halloween candy. Fall is a time to start over. It’s harvest season. Things begin to die and trust me, there are some things that need to die. 

As much as I want/need/asked for this change, I am having a hard time dealing with it. Change usually starts off very ugly and then you look back and say, "that was actually very beautiful". As much as I'm about embracing the ugly, I don’t do well with change. I don’t do well with in-betweens. As uncomfortable as I am, I refuse to re-enter my comfort zone. There are so many things I want to do, and I can feel that my season is coming. The universe is preparing me for something new and something huge. To quote a good friend, @drtyrock, “I've discovered so many hard truths this year. Looking forward to gaining more insight as this year begins to conclude. The change continues.”

I needed to gather my thoughts and wanted to focus on manifesting my goals, so I made a vision board. I’m posting it here for public accountability. And so you have a hint at where I think I’m going.

xo