good riddance, two thousand and fifteen

i love new year’s eve. halloween is my favorite holiday, but new year’s eve is a super close first runner up. i love a good party. i love shiny clothes. i love fellowship, and hope for something new. this year was…garbage, to be quite honest. so this particular symbolic ending is very important to me. i have (privately) blogging since 2003 and most years since 2006 i have compiled an end of the year wrap up, so here we go…

THE BIG 2015 LIST [ALL IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER] 

-THINGS I LOVED ABOUT 2015

xtrmst @ the roxy

sirose’s wedding

liz’s 30th

bvb @ the fox

walk the moon @ the palladium 

age of ultron 30 people deep with my work family

my first trip to seattle 

my niece’s prom

sirose’s birthday party

louie’s birthday party

my niece’s graduation

my going away party

ed sheeran @ the hollywood bowl

sam hunt @ irvine meadows

anime expo ’15

comic con ’15

juliette and the licks @ the el rey 

darius rucker @ irvine meadows

warped tour 2015

scare la

hanging out with my mom so much

wedding/baby season

dear boy in store

becoming a sigma kappa advisor

taste of chaos 2015

florence + the machine at the bowl

good charlotte

annual friends disneyland christmas day 

star wars lightsaber battle

friendsmas dinner

the academy is… almost here 10 year reunion show

-THINGS I HATED ABOUT 2015

this year is always going to marred by two things in my memory; the death of my grandmother and leaving my job at apple. i don’t think i really need to espouse about that. quitting my last job was like a really bad break up, and i’m still having a hard time dealing with it; there’s a lot of shame and regret and what ifs and what nows in my mind.

-THE BEST ALBUMS OF 2015

sleater-kinney; no cities to love // marilyn manson; the pale emperor // fall out boy; american beauty/american psycho // falling in reverse; just like you // kelly clarkson; piece by piece // madonna; rebel heart // sleeping with sirens; madness // purity ring; another eternity // best coast; california nights // mumford & sons; wilder mind // florence + the machine; how big, how blue, how beautiful // muse; drones // adam lambert; the original high // of monsters & men; beneath the skin // ryn weaver; the fool // sam hunt; montevallo // passion pit; kindred // cold war kids; hold my home // carly rae jepson; emotion // hilary duff; breathe in. breathe out // the weeknd; beauty behind the madness // honeyeater; self titled ep // set it off; duality: stories unplugged // the neighborhood; wiped out // melanie martinez; cry baby // halsey; badlands // chvchers; every open eye // disclosure; caracal // grimes; art angels // ellie goulding; delirium // 5 seconds of summer; sounds good, feels good // justin bieber; purpose // one direction; Made in the AM // kid cudi; speedin bullet to heaven // kacey musgraves; pageant material // 

-THE BEST MOVIES OF 2015

jurassic world and the force awakens. duh. did anything else even come out this year? oh, inside out and cinderella. 

-THE BEST TV SHOWS OF 2015

i’m going to be lazy and go with parks and rec, because i just binge watched all seven seasons and am sad 2016 will not see new episodes of parks and rec.

-THE BEST BOOKS OF 2015

I read 21 books this year, which feels really low for me…but I also read a lot of comic books this year…anyway. I highly recommend; The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins (It’s being made into a movie in 2016, and it’s good. It gets a lot of comparisons to Gone Girl, but I don’t think the “reveal” in this book is as interesting, I saw it coming). The Pale Motel and Teen Spirit by Francesca Lia Block (I didn’t see the “reveal” in either of these coming until the last second, super juicy, but quick reads). Yes, Please by Amy Poehler (Is it cliche to say something changed your life? This book changed me). Love Letters to the Dead by Ava Dellaira, More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera, and All the Rage by Courtney Summers, just solid teen fiction. 

-THINGS I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2016

taking the time to really figure out what i want out of my life and manifesting those things into my universe.

-2016 goals;

find fulfilling work

work/life balance

beautify my home life (my place kinda looks like leslie knope's)

revamp my wardrobe

eat better food

purge unwanted and unnecessary junk

spend more time outdoors

okay, so this is “funny”…while I was writing this, I was looking back and I found my goals from 5 years ago. It’s interesting to me how I completed most of them at that time, but now that cycle of my life has ended and I’m in a very similar place again… although, I still haven’t played dungeons and dragons. 

2011 goals;

-get a new job [the one i have will drive me crazy and ruin one of my relationships if i stay there for much longer].

-go to more shows [music and theatre. it's fun, good for the health, and something that needs to be done more often].

-get my fucking license [i'm 22 years old, this is just ridiculous].

-nurture my interpersonal relationships. [i feel like i have been throwing my own pity party and slacking on some of my relationships and this is clearly unacceptable. my friends are all i have.]

-start grad school/start my career [working a "job" just isn't my style. i have too much talent to let it go to waste at a 9-5].

-revamp my wardrobe [my size is changing and i'd really like to start dressing like a homeless ghetto hipster queen].

-handle my problems with strength, grace, and dignity [instead of crying and whining i will put on my big girl panties and take things head on].

-get another tattoo [i want like, five more. i need to get started].

-pierce my nose. (again) [i miss that little shiny hole in my face, it completed me]

-work on a piece of art every single day [i need to remain motivated and get things off of my artistic "to do" list].

-stand up for myself [i need to worry less about people loving me and more about people walking all over me]. 

-complete things on my bucket list [i'm tired of just looking at it and saying "someday". today is someday.].

-eliminate negative energy from my life [i'm over the drama. if you're not contributing to my life, then you're detracting from it. and i don't like it when people steal from me].

-travel [i miss nola, nyc, and everywhere i've been. i'm sure there are other beautiful places in the world for me to go to, fall in love with, and miss when i come back home]. 

--learn how to play d&d. 

have some random photos from this year, that i really enjoyed. 

15 Year Old Me or My Second Adolescence

I’ve been joking I’m in my second adolescence. I don’t know how much of a joke it is. I wore the same My Chemical Romance t-shirt two days in a row this weekend. I had been feeling like this for a while, and then a few weeks ago I came across this article; http://elitedaily.com/life/late-20s-adolescence/1266960/. Thank you, Zara Barrie! I don’t like this feeling, but I love this feeling. While I was not aware at the time, 15 year old me was one of the most badass people on the planet. Okay, part of me was aware of it, because I was both cocky and insecure. I suppose I still am. Anyway.

15 year old me knew she was on the verge of greatness. Her life sucked, but things were about to be so sweet. She was going to go a great liberal arts college far away from her small town and meet people who accepted and loved her. She did that. She was going to meet young men who weren’t afraid of her. She did that. She was going to spend most of her free time dancing in mosh pits and dark goth clubs. She did that. She had dreams and passions and she went after them. She staged protests in her high school quads and got into fights because she believed in things and people. 15 year old me had the skill that all teen age girls have; “…every single fucking thing a teenage girl has to deal with, they still manage to do something so mind blowing, yet completely simple: love, unabashedly.” (Quoted from one of my favorite tumblr posts ever. Yes, I’m citing tumblr, gtfo if you don’t like it). 15 year old me was loud and in your face because she was so full of love. Love for life, love for bands, love for fandoms, love for her friends, just crazy in love with any and everything. Her opinions were loud and brash and she had no problem expressing them. When she was sad she was fucking sad and she had no shame about it. She was honest as fuck. She laid the foundation for a pretty rad early 20's.

If I get to be that person again, but with the knowledge and experience I have again now, I will definitely take a second adolescence. Sign me the fuck up. I’ll deal with all of my awkward emotions, insecurities, and weirdness about where I am in life, if it means I get to be that loving, ridiculous, get shit done person I was then. I’m gonna listen to my music loud as fuck, have crushes on dudes, cry when I feel like it, and do all of the shit I haven’t been doing, because I was so busy trying to “adult”. Fuck it. What do I have to lose?

My filter for most big life altering decisions is; would 15 year old me be okay with this? And if I have to think about that answer, then I need to rethink my decision. I love time travel. Ya’ll know this. I continually think that someday a younger version of myself is going to show up out of nowhere, ala Disney’s The Kid, and I’m going to have some explaining to do. As a writer/musician/film maker, I have always wanted to make young adult media. Teenage girls have always been my target audience. I want to represent my younger self, who needed media that she saw herself in. I want to honor my younger self and all that she went through to make me the person I am now. 

Maybe 40 year old me, will feel the same about 20’s me. 

xo

the backward step

my brother taught me how to cha cha when i was a kid. it’s one of my favorite dances to do, because it’s easy. two steps forward, two backwards. 

robert brault said an optimist is “someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.” been trying to live that recently. i haven’t really updated about me or life recently, because i took the backward step. i think (i’m stressing the, i think part) the big lesson i was supposed to get out of this is to not stop dancing. i got a job again. then i left that job and went back to freelancing. there’s a lot of other stuff that goes into that story, that i don’t really want to unpack, but i think if you’ve followed the blog you know why that was the backward step. 

i’ve been good. there’s the uncertainty and anxiety and self-deprecation that come with the backward step, but i’m still dancing and will figure out what the forward step is. i’ve been really big on the introspection and thinking about the coming year. i realized of the 27 new habits i wanted to cultivate this year and goals i had for the year; i worked diligently at 17 of them and i feel like i did a good job being true to them. and maybe in 2016 i need to make a shorter list.

as i’m looking to change things and figure out what i want my career to look like, the format of the blog might be changing a bit. i’m still playing with some ideas, so i don’t want to throw anything out there yet.

also, i should probably say that you won’t hear from me until the end of november, because my #nanowrimo project is still in the first act. 

Top 10 Songs

I have my first reader request! I am so excited. And flummoxed. This is a hard one. Beautiful, amazing, funny, talented, kind (I could go on about her for a long time) Natalie asked for the 10 songs that changed my life and why. Constructing this list was brutal. There’s just so much music that means so much to me… my master iTunes library has 57,023 songs in it; my playlists are sorted by year and what albums made the biggest impact on me that year…you would think that amount of organization would make this easier. It did not. Some songs were obvious and jumped out at me. Some were harder to put a read on; I ended up listing the albums that mean the most to me, and cherry picking songs from there. I would also like to note that my top three favorite songs of all time “Leader of the Pack” by the Shangri-Las, “Hands Down” by Dashboard Confessional, and “Clark Gable” by the Postal Service didn’t even make the list. I love them, but they don’t mean as much. If that makes sense. Anyway, in no particular order…

• Thieves in the Temple by Prince
  • This is the first song that I was ever crazy about. I was about 2 years old and my family was very concerned that I didn’t know how to talk. The truth was, I was very selective about when I chose to use my words. My mom caught me slipping one day, she was driving and I was in the back seat, and I sang the whole sang word for word. It was used as the climax song in my director senior project (a dance show about bisexual vampires). This song has just always had a place in my life.

(Prince has his whole thing against the internets, so idk how you can find this song if you're unfamiliar).

• Don’t Speak by No Doubt
  • I have always loved music. I always wanted to be involved in music. Rock music. I didn’t want to be a pop singer or an R&B singer, even though I liked them and admire them. I wanted to rock. At first I thought I could just be the girl on top of a car in a hair metal video. Then I realized Jennifer Batten and Wendy & Lisa were in the band, and I realized I could be in the band. It wasn’t until Don’t Speak by No Doubt, when I realized I could be the leader of the rock band. Gwen Stefani was and continues to be everything. 

• Resurrect the Sun by Black Veil Brides
  • Shitty break up of 2012. Wretched and Divine: The Story of the Wild Ones is the only album I can listen to without crying hysterically. The lyrics are all about strength and being resilient in the face of a big evil. My favorite song on the album (although I Am Bulletproof is a close second). 

• Drain the Blood by The Distillers
  • Brody Dalle is to my teen-age years what Gwen Stefani is to my even younger years. A bad ass female who didn’t need no man and wrote awesome rock music. I kept a picture of Brody Dalle in my locker. (There was a picture of Homer Simpson too, but that’s neither here nor there). “All my friends are murder” meant the most to an outcast who felt like she didn’t have any friends. Brody also utilized a lot of power chords in her writing, which made it easy for an aspiring front woman to learn her songs and feel like the heir to the throne. 

• God Called in Sick Today by AFI
  • AFI is hands down my favorite band of all time, I’ve seen them live over 20 times, am a member of the fan club, the whole she-bang. Following AFI around California for tour dates are some of my favorite memories and every show ended with God Called In Sick Today, and Davey HavoK god walking over the crowd, while we all sweated and sang and swayed in time. 

• Astronaut by Amanda Palmer
  • I love Amanda Palmer. She’s so unapologetically herself. Astronaut is such a strong album opener. This album came out when I was in a really low period, I went to see her the night the album was released, and a few days later ended up in the hospital. This album though…it spoke to me. It helped me see things through. This is a really good song about loss.

• Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
  • This song reminds me of Saturday mornings with my mom. When I went through my Stevie Nicks phase, my mom opened up her closet and gave me all of her old maxi skirts and some awesome wraps and vintage bags. My mom is basically my favorite person and this song makes me think about hanging out with her.

• The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows by Brand New
  • The beginning of my emo “phase”? I don’t know. I just know this is, in my opinion, one of the greatest songs ever written, off of one of the greatest albums ever written.

• Sugar We’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy
  • One of my high school crushes became my crush because I heard him singing this song under his breath during a quiz, and I was sure our kindred musical tastes meant we were meant to be. I first saw the music video for Grand Theft Autumn on some weird Canadian music channel my uncle got with his satellite and I was done, Fall Out Boy fan for life. Their name was an allusion to The Simpsons, Patrick’s voice was smoother than butter, and Pete’s lyrics spoke to my confused adolescent brain that had too many feelings and not enough outlets. 

• If You Can’t Hang by Sleeping with Sirens 
  • The construction on this song is amazing. Sleeping with Sirens and Black Veil Brides helped me regain my passion for the scene and tap into a part of myself that had been dormant; the weird, DIY, fearless emo trash teen ager. 

Yay! There it is.

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