Life in the Time of COVID-19

2020. Everyone wanted the roaring 20’s and here we are; a great plague, economic collapse, and no drinking in bars.

In January, when reports were starting to come out of China and the WHO was briefing the president, the majority of Americans thought it was no worse than the flu - if they were aware at all - myself, included.

In February, it became the bane of my working life. I’m an assistant buyer for an international retailer. I help create product, place orders for product, and track the shipment of product to stores. A lot of our product is produced in China. China was shut down. So, it was a work stress. But, it was a work stress that stayed at work. I watched the news, I read the stories, I was aware - but I wasn’t worried or concerned. Life continued as normal. I went to work, I went out dancing, I spent time with my friends, I went to Disneyland - unaware that for a lot of these things, it would be the last time I was doing them.

In March, I got concerned. It was in America. Our government had done nothing to prevent it, to mitigate it, to protect us. I started carrying Lysol in my purse. I started washing my hands every hour - regardless of whether or not they felt clean. Things started to close down. First my favorite club, then Disneyland, then the Renaissance Faire. Then I got worried. I read more about it, learned how it worked; realized that the majority of people I love are high risk. My employer told us to start working from home - first it was going to be a trial day the following week - then as my reports came in; it was go home tonight, take your laptop with you, and don’t come back to the office until it’s safe. We rerouted a Disneyland vacation weekend to Joshua Tree. We cancelled Joshua Tree. My aunt was hospitalized. We were scared.

In April, I was terrified. There was no leadership from our joke of a Federal Government. Local Governments were doing the best they could; I was very happy to be in California. I was furloughed from work - how can you pay your employees when all of the malls are closed? I had money in the bank and I applied for benefits easily and early. I was one of the lucky ones. My friends started knowing people who had passed. I was trying to be productive, and also trying to treat myself with grace. This was hard. It was scary. It was all encompassing. Nothing about life was the same. I never spent this much time at home, I wasn’t ever this still. I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t settled into a routine. The news was worse every day. My aunt passed. My heart broke.

It’s May. I am tired. I am sad. I am wistful and hopeful. Irritated and grumpy. Sleep has been easier since I was gifted a weighted blanket. Animal Crossing, Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, and library books fill my time. I’m starting a Twitch channel. I’ve created a TikTok. I haven’t fallen into that routine I dream of. There’s no rising with the sun to a warm cup of coffee and avocado toast. I haven’t been working out or doing my yoga with any consistency and my body knows. It yells at me for it. I haven’t been good about reaching out to my friends first or keeping our Zoom dates. I’m not taking as many showers or baths as I want to. I am surviving. And there’s no shame in that. Living in survival mode is difficult…but I’ve done it before. Never while the rest of the world was, but…that’s quarantine, baby. I keep reminding myself that I need to extend kindness to myself. This is not a vacation or a productivity contest. And while there are moments of bliss in each day - I am part of a world that is terrified, grieving, and exhausted. 

Executive dysfunction has made me it’s a bitch. I’m writing small lists every day, to try and mitigate the distractions. If I get one thing done every day, then it’s a good day. I have a lot of projects I am working on; online content, learning to play the ukulele, a D&D campaign for a podcast, a comic, a book/script set during a zombie apocalypse (yes, I see the irony. It’s an old project I had given up on at one point, but was encouraged to continue). I look for the good in this; the sense of community I still have thanks to the internet, that I’ve completed projects around the house that had been on hold for years, that I’ve watched movies and television shows that I’ve been meaning to, that I’m spending more time with my mom. The baseline things - there’s a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my fridge. That I have the luxury of staying at home and self-isolating. 

There’s so much talk about “going back to normal”. I have no hunger for that, even though I’ve been isolated since March 13th. We have no real treatment for the virus, and flattening the curve is just flattening - it won’t stop people from catching it and dying. I don’t need to get my nails done by a professional that badly. Any problem that existed in our “normal” has been exacerbated by this pandemic; and we can’t forget that or turn a blind eye to it. America is a dying empire - our political, social, economic, cultural, and societal issues are festering wounds that are going to kill us. Our leaders are inept. The election in November is in the process of being stolen from the people. Our infrastructure is a decayed mess. The gap between the rich and the poor is a chasm, and they’re demanding the poor die, as they’re “essential”. We have no more critical thinking skills, no common sense. This is not a “normal” I want to go back to. Inequality, selfishness, and a lack of empathy is not the “normal” I am looking for in this. The impact of this pandemic is not something that we can erase.

I hope for a new future, a new normal. One where all of our citizens are cared for; fiscally, physically, mentally, emotionally. Where we have competent leaders, universal basic income, and comprehensive healthcare. Where we lead with empathy and utilize fact and science. Where we have a fully staffed and working CDC. I dream of rebuilding my life when it’s safe to do so; seeing my family and friends, trips to Disneyland, traveling, going out dancing, stumbling out of the bar at last call, returning to work and my co-workers, building my empire of online content and writing, leaving my apartment for more than five minutes, laying out on the beach.

Until then, I take things day by day; moment by moment. Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst. With grace and patience.

Until next time.

Xo

2019 - I Hardly Knew Ye.

2019 sucked. That’s the long and short of it, and why I haven’t felt like writing a recap. I don’t think this will be a very long entry, because of that. In the micro scale - 2019 was a very difficult year and I spent most of cradling deep grief and in survival mode. On a macro scale - summing up a decade is impossible. Particularly when you consider than 2010-2020 was the bulk of my 20s.

Being in your 20s is a very odd and complex experience - you’re not a child, but you’re definitely not grown either. I learned more than I ever cared to. For the entire decade, I can admit looking back, that I always felt like I was in flux. Every time I thought I had things figured out the rug was pulled from under me and things changed. Nothing was constant. Friendships, relationships, jobs, goals. living situations. Once things were stable, they changed again and again and again. Over and over and over again, I was forced to ask myself who I was and what I wanted… and that’s okay. Honestly, it’s ideal.

I, as a spirit and a light being, came to this earth, at this time, this way, to have a human experience. And how fun would that be if I had everything figured out? It wouldn’t be very human. I appreciate everything I’ve gone through and I have respect and gratitude for it - while understanding that not all of it was beautiful or lovely, or what I thought I wanted. Not all of it was kind, not all of it was fun, but it was mine and I am this person because of it. Thank u, next.

2019 had big ‘Thank u, next'‘ energy. I have no shame about what I endured or how I handled it - in fact, I’m rather proud of myself. I chose myself in 2019, in a radical, beautiful, and loving way. It’s something to celebrate. And while I will celebrate how I’ve changed in the last year and in the last decade - I don’t want to dwell in them. I’d prefer to look forward.

I hadn’t been feeling like myself when 2020 started. Rather than attempting to get back to old versions of myself, I’ve decided to find out who this new person is. My hair is pink now and probably will be for a long time. I’ve started working out and getting into movement again. I am chasing some dreams. I have some big plans and goals. While working on moving myself forward, I’m also allowing myself to surrender to divinity and whatever the universe has in store for me,

Until next time.

XO

IN DEFENSE OF SOCIAL MEDIA, BECAUSE IT IS MAGIC (& THE NEED TO CURATE YOUR ONLINE EXPERIENCE)

Well, well, well…

My traditional end of the year (decade) recap didn’t happen. I’m having a hard time getting around to it and centering my thoughts about 2019 as a year, and the decade as a whole. There’s a lot to process and attempt to put into words, and I’m just not there yet. 2019 was one of the hardest years of my life, and I’m not quite sure how to conceptualize the entirety of my twenties, which is basically what 2010-2020 was for me. I’ll work on focusing on my feelings, writing, and posting, eventually. In the mean time, I’d like to talk about something near and dear to my heart - social media.

Social media can be an awful, awful thing. It can turn into a microcosm of the worst of our society. Fake news, alt-right radicalization, the comment section, etc, etc. It can be extremely shallow. People only posting their highlight reel, '“doing it for the ‘gram”, influencers lying for profit, and on and on. Social media gives everyone a voice and a platform - but that makes everyone think their opinion is just as valid as FACT and the opinions of experts in their fields, which just isn’t the truth. Social media is just a reflection of the people who use it, and well…people can be monster. Social media can be a cesspool.

However, I choose to see it as magic. I choose to see life as magic. People are intensely interesting creatures and capable of some of the most wonderful things, and social media can be a tool to exercise our greatness. Social media can be a tool to bring people together and foster genuine relationships. One of my favorite influencers, @stephishappening posted beautifully and eloquently about this last year, “100 years ago people married someone who lived, on average, 2 blocks from their house. I like to think of this fun fact when I hear people trashing social media. Because first of all, I met my husband online. I hand selected him from thousands of suitors like a fucking princess. He lived an hour away, and I don’t see how we would have met without what online dating was in 2009. Without Jeff, I wouldn’t have become a photographer. I wouldn’t have made an instagram to post my Disney photography. And I wouldn’t have begun to share my story with all of you. I grew up thinking I was the only one whose dad was an alcoholic. I was the only one with a family like this. Social media has connected me with thousands of you who have been in the same situation. Without it, I would have had to go to AA meetings for years and be very aggressive to meet that many people. It has helped save me. Knowing as much as I do, it’s hard to believe in any sort of magic. But social media? It’s magic to me. We are living in The Age Of Information. The Internet was invented to give us a place to write our history from the lived perspective and not the oppressor. To expose how those in power have organized and treated the world. To connect us by the things we have in common. It’s magic. The earths human population went thousands of years not knowing who was 100 miles away. Then, If you knew someone far away, a letter was the best way to reach them. It took weeks to get to them. We have never been this linked and I refuse to let baby boomers who are scared of everything and let it manifest as shame, ruin something that is literal magic and has saved me. Don’t let your friends trash talk social media. Defend why it’s helped you. Don’t let them perpetuate that narrative because they’re using the platforms wrong. Social media connects us.”.

Just like Stephenie, social media has changed and saved my life. From Yahoo! groups, to greatestjournal, to livejournal, to beta testing MySpace, social media has been my safe haven since my early teenage years and it means a lot to me. Because of the internet and social media I’ve been exposed to music, books, movies, television shows, and art that I never would have known about otherwise. I’ve met people and made friends when I had none. I’ve connected with friends and people that I was afraid to talk to in person. I’ve learned histories and truths that aren’t available in textbooks. I’ve learned that I love science, because of the internet and social media, when school had me convinced I was stupid and bad at it. I’ve visited places and gone to events that I never would have heard of without Buzzfeed and Facebook events. I’ve fallen in love because of social media, thanks online dating. Social media allows me to “be” with people, when, as an introvert, it’s not always easy to “be” with people. I can make and deepen relationships from in the dark, under the covers. Social media and the internet are two of the greatest, if not the greatest, tools to come out of the 20th century.

But, social media is only as good as the person using it. “Be the change you want to see in the world” - be the social media user you want to see in the world. I choose to use social media as a tool for connection and a place to be honest and vulnerable in order to foster that connection. My Instagram story and my Facebook feed are mixtures of mental health tips, irreverent jokes, social justice facts, pop culture recommendations, and my random thoughts and musings. I post the things that I like to see. I post the things that I need when I’m in a dark place. I post the things that make me think and laugh and amuse me. I understand that social media isn’t my diary, it’s not even my blog, but I can still use it to process my thoughts and feelings with people that I care about. I’ve got a voice. And I think it's irresponsible not to use that voice. I've always been the type of person who has something to say and speaks with intention and conviction. Why would I waste that? Using social media gives me the potential to reach thousands, from my couch. Blogging, podcasting, YouTube, social media has always just spoken to me. Maybe it's part of that gothpunk DOY aesthetic. I don't need to bow down to the man to get my message out. I don't have to work hard to find an audience and cater to it - I can slap a hashtag on it and move on. And yeah, sometimes I end up screaming into the void. But I need that and it's worth it to me, especially if there’s the chance that I can use social media to help others. Human beings are pack animals, we don’t want to be alone. I can use social media to make myself, and those around me, feel less alone. We an use social media responsibly and honestly, to make a better online community.

Your social media experience needs to be mindful and curated. It’s not enough to be thoughtful about what you post, you need to be thoughtful about what you consume as well. And while that seems logical and obvious, I’m surprised at how many people don’t think of it that way. Which leads to them thinking that social media is toxic. First of all, don’t follow people that you hate. Don’t follow people that you mildly dislike. Even if it’s family, or someone you know in person. Even if it’s someone that you like when you’re face to face with them. If their social media usage or persona is grating on you, stop following them. And that includes me. I can be a lot, and I’m well aware of it. Unfollow me, I won’t take it personally. Stop stalking your ex partners and your frenemies.  Don’t read the comments. Ever. Someone is always in the comments with that bullshit. Just, don’t do it. Don’t feed the trolls and don’t get into comment wars. Arguing on the internet has rarely, if ever, changed anyone’s mind. It just makes you upset and raises your blood pressure. Don’t read dumb shit. If you wouldn’t read tabloids in the grocery store, why are you visiting that website? Only read things from reputable sources. If you’re in groups, only join groups that you vibe with. Just because you have the shared belief that Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss are engaged, doesn't mean that these are the Kaylors for you. Social media is yours. The way I use social media works. At least for me. Curating my experience and posting with vulnerability works. People message me all the time with gratitude for what and how I post - and I'm thankful for them. I'm glad I can help people and be there for them, in a way that isn't intrusive and that feels good for both of us. 

Mindful as I am, and as much as I love social media, my relationship with social media is precarious at the moment. I’m not sure I want to keep using it. Without getting into the particular incidents and situations, I feel like I’m being both silenced and punished. Instagram and Facebook are actively suppressing minority content creators. I’d been suspecting I was shadowbanned, and then my account was reported. Because I was reported and my content was removed, Instagram has been watching my account and my reach has been suppressed and limited. My whole account could potentially be banned. If I don’t have reach or engagement, that actively effects what kind of streaming, hosting, blogging, and YouTube gigs I can book. Instagram has also removed my ability to do branded content partnerships, neither myself or brands I partner with can use my posts as ads. I’ve had a good month or two of people telling me how to use my social media, or why the way I use social media is wrong, and I’ve…had enough. I’m not stepping away at all, I just to recontextualize how I use it and how I respond to others.

The world is just getting more internet based. Not only did I make my last doctor's appointment online, but for the last four months I've actually been utilizing an online therapist. When was the last time you talked to a person to order food instead of using Doordash or Postmates? When was the last time you went into a store instead of going to Amazon? The internet isn't a replacement for face to face human interaction, but it is a good suplement. All you have to do, is be real. Just be real. And seek out real experiences. That's possible online and it's what we should all be striving for.

So, on that note, be mindful and protect your magic. It’s what I’m doing.

Until next time.

XO.