'I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.' —Stephen Chbosky
Because I was an edgy hipster on Tumblr in my early 20’s, I think and talk about this quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower a lot. I’ve really be feeling it the past few days.
California - Los Angeles, specifically, may be extending their Safer-At-Home policy. There’s no official news, just speculation. It’s a decision I support, even if it doesn’t make me happy. The virus and being healthy is my first priority. I have already lost one person that I loved dearly to it. It has devastated me. It has wrecked my family. I can’t go through that again. It’s been extremely nerve wracking and anxiety inducing to hear all of this talk of "opening back up”. To see the photos of these violent terrorists demanding that people put their lives at risk, so they can feel comfortable. We don’t have a solidified treatment plan or a vaccine for COVID-19. Herd Immunity isn’t going to save us. No one else should die from this. It needs to be eradicated. But, it’s still so new, that we barely know how it works. Being isolated isn't my first choice of how to live - but I'd rather do that, then rush going out into the world.
The narrative seems to be that those of us who are glad that things remain shut-down are having the time of our lives, or we don’t care about the economy. That simply isn’t true. Our shut-down sucks. Workers are still at risk. Those of use who are at home don’t have adequate fiscal relief. We’re not enjoying this in a blanketed way; we’re making the best of things. We’re trying to find the silver lining in feeling like our local California government is *trying* to do the right thing. They are “trying” to keep us safe. Who thinks that we can actually go back to “normal”, when we’ve made no progress at curing this plague? Furthermore, I don't think our previous "normal" was healthy for us, as a society, or for the earth. So, I’m not really in a rush to get back to it. I wish this could last until we, as a people, learn from this pause and create lasting change for our society - particularly implementing universal basic income, healthcare for all, and more energy efficiency/green legislation. I am afraid that it won't happen though. I don't have faith in the leadership of our nation or our voting population to do the right thing. If they were going to do that - they would have already.
Our national leadership has failed us, and I can’t say this loudly enough to make it sink in. They failed us dramatically before COVID-19 was transmitted to a human, and they continue to fail us every single day. Being in isolation was supposed to give them time to actually do something. It wasn’t supposed to be the answer. We weren’t supposed to stay home until the virus “ended”. It was supposed to give time to keep the hospitals from becoming overwhelmed, to put contact tracing systems in place, to see how other countries have handled this, to heal the already sick, to find a way to limit and contain outbreaks, to fund a goddamned vaccine and clinical trials - AND THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT SUGGEST WE DRINK BLEACH. And support domestic terrorists who demand we go back outside and say that science is an evil lie. They have wasted the time we bought, by keeping ourselves safe, and we don’t being to have a grasp on when or how this will “end”.
Too much thinking about anything that happens after this is stressful. I have tried to focus on the issues and things I can control and take care of; day by day. I have found joy moment to moment. I miss my family more than anything right now. I miss my friends to badly it hurts. I miss my job and the sense of pride it gave me - but I don't think going back to the way things were before is possible for our society as a whole, let alone our smaller society within my work place - an office building is a professional petri dish. I know that I am privileged, and that I’m looking on the bright side of things and being optimistic that I don’t have to be worried about my job. My company has great leadership and has lasted a long time in an ever changing retail landscape, when a lot of our competitors have not. I received unemployment benefits quickly and easily, and I had a savings account when this started. I realize how privileged I am to be able to compartmentalize my economic stress - but I don’t want to put other people at risk, to maintain my comfort. Human lives don’t have a dollar sign attached to them. I would rather be uncomfortable, then put another person at risk.
Anyone who thinks anyone is outright enjoying this, with no pain, no fear, no trauma, is just not thinking. All of this is pure suffering. We can escape into Twitch, Netflix, and whatever else to occupy our time, but it is an escape. We are constantly reminded that this is happening because people are dying. We are actively combatting our multi-faceted fears. Very few people want to not go anywhere. That’s why solitary confinement and ankle bracelets are punishments. This shit is inhumane but what other choice do we have? This sucks. Even though the over-arching theme of this is scary and hard - I am doing my best to enjoy this and make the most of it. There's never been another time in my adult life where I've been able to watch all the television and movies I wanted to, read multiple books a week, play my fill of video games, pick up multiple new hobbies, and not be stressed about money, either. And this probably won't happen for me again until I retire. And when I can think about that, and not the terror that I feel, it’s okay.
I can be happy about this, because I value people coming together and doing the work, and I value human lives. I want to stay in, because I don’t myself, my housemates, or anyone else to die. No one’s life is less important than my personal economy, the national economy, or me being able to go out and about the way I used to. Our national leadership is off the rails, and I’m blessed and proud to be a Californian. It sucks that we have to do this, but I will do it. I’m not going to be part of the problem when the death toll in the US hits 1 million. And that makes me happy and sad at the same time.
And I swear to god, if I hear one more person talk about this being a conspiracy, I will personally mail a bag a of cow shit to their front door. The end. Goodbye.
Until next time.
xo