2020. Everyone wanted the roaring 20’s and here we are; a great plague, economic collapse, and no drinking in bars.
In January, when reports were starting to come out of China and the WHO was briefing the president, the majority of Americans thought it was no worse than the flu - if they were aware at all - myself, included.
In February, it became the bane of my working life. I’m an assistant buyer for an international retailer. I help create product, place orders for product, and track the shipment of product to stores. A lot of our product is produced in China. China was shut down. So, it was a work stress. But, it was a work stress that stayed at work. I watched the news, I read the stories, I was aware - but I wasn’t worried or concerned. Life continued as normal. I went to work, I went out dancing, I spent time with my friends, I went to Disneyland - unaware that for a lot of these things, it would be the last time I was doing them.
In March, I got concerned. It was in America. Our government had done nothing to prevent it, to mitigate it, to protect us. I started carrying Lysol in my purse. I started washing my hands every hour - regardless of whether or not they felt clean. Things started to close down. First my favorite club, then Disneyland, then the Renaissance Faire. Then I got worried. I read more about it, learned how it worked; realized that the majority of people I love are high risk. My employer told us to start working from home - first it was going to be a trial day the following week - then as my reports came in; it was go home tonight, take your laptop with you, and don’t come back to the office until it’s safe. We rerouted a Disneyland vacation weekend to Joshua Tree. We cancelled Joshua Tree. My aunt was hospitalized. We were scared.
In April, I was terrified. There was no leadership from our joke of a Federal Government. Local Governments were doing the best they could; I was very happy to be in California. I was furloughed from work - how can you pay your employees when all of the malls are closed? I had money in the bank and I applied for benefits easily and early. I was one of the lucky ones. My friends started knowing people who had passed. I was trying to be productive, and also trying to treat myself with grace. This was hard. It was scary. It was all encompassing. Nothing about life was the same. I never spent this much time at home, I wasn’t ever this still. I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t settled into a routine. The news was worse every day. My aunt passed. My heart broke.
It’s May. I am tired. I am sad. I am wistful and hopeful. Irritated and grumpy. Sleep has been easier since I was gifted a weighted blanket. Animal Crossing, Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, and library books fill my time. I’m starting a Twitch channel. I’ve created a TikTok. I haven’t fallen into that routine I dream of. There’s no rising with the sun to a warm cup of coffee and avocado toast. I haven’t been working out or doing my yoga with any consistency and my body knows. It yells at me for it. I haven’t been good about reaching out to my friends first or keeping our Zoom dates. I’m not taking as many showers or baths as I want to. I am surviving. And there’s no shame in that. Living in survival mode is difficult…but I’ve done it before. Never while the rest of the world was, but…that’s quarantine, baby. I keep reminding myself that I need to extend kindness to myself. This is not a vacation or a productivity contest. And while there are moments of bliss in each day - I am part of a world that is terrified, grieving, and exhausted.
Executive dysfunction has made me it’s a bitch. I’m writing small lists every day, to try and mitigate the distractions. If I get one thing done every day, then it’s a good day. I have a lot of projects I am working on; online content, learning to play the ukulele, a D&D campaign for a podcast, a comic, a book/script set during a zombie apocalypse (yes, I see the irony. It’s an old project I had given up on at one point, but was encouraged to continue). I look for the good in this; the sense of community I still have thanks to the internet, that I’ve completed projects around the house that had been on hold for years, that I’ve watched movies and television shows that I’ve been meaning to, that I’m spending more time with my mom. The baseline things - there’s a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my fridge. That I have the luxury of staying at home and self-isolating.
There’s so much talk about “going back to normal”. I have no hunger for that, even though I’ve been isolated since March 13th. We have no real treatment for the virus, and flattening the curve is just flattening - it won’t stop people from catching it and dying. I don’t need to get my nails done by a professional that badly. Any problem that existed in our “normal” has been exacerbated by this pandemic; and we can’t forget that or turn a blind eye to it. America is a dying empire - our political, social, economic, cultural, and societal issues are festering wounds that are going to kill us. Our leaders are inept. The election in November is in the process of being stolen from the people. Our infrastructure is a decayed mess. The gap between the rich and the poor is a chasm, and they’re demanding the poor die, as they’re “essential”. We have no more critical thinking skills, no common sense. This is not a “normal” I want to go back to. Inequality, selfishness, and a lack of empathy is not the “normal” I am looking for in this. The impact of this pandemic is not something that we can erase.
I hope for a new future, a new normal. One where all of our citizens are cared for; fiscally, physically, mentally, emotionally. Where we have competent leaders, universal basic income, and comprehensive healthcare. Where we lead with empathy and utilize fact and science. Where we have a fully staffed and working CDC. I dream of rebuilding my life when it’s safe to do so; seeing my family and friends, trips to Disneyland, traveling, going out dancing, stumbling out of the bar at last call, returning to work and my co-workers, building my empire of online content and writing, leaving my apartment for more than five minutes, laying out on the beach.
Until then, I take things day by day; moment by moment. Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst. With grace and patience.
Until next time.
Xo