​ misogynoir is real as fuck

De nigger woman is de mule uh de world so fur as Ah can see. - Zora Neale Hurston "Their Eyes Were Watching God"

I have one regret in my life. It's not minoring in Gender Studies while at the University of La Verne. I declared it my freshman year after taking my first Gender Studies class, then dropped it. Adding a minor would have added an additional semester and I didn't want to spend the time or money. How foolish I was at eighteen. I've been a lifelong feminist and am dedicated to smashing the patriarchy, and I just wish I had a piece of paper that backed up my knowledge when I get on my feminist soapbox and speak to it. However, I didn't do it. I regret it so much I've considered going back to school for a certificate in the subject, because I've got things to say. I don't come to you today as an academic or scholar. I come to you as a lifelong learner with lived experience who wants to make something clear; misogynoir is not Santa Claus. Misogynoir is real as fuck.

Oh, but what is misogynoir you ask? Misogynoir is misogyny directed towards black women where race and gender both play roles in bias. It was coined by queer Black feminist Moya Bailey, who created the term to address misogyny directed toward black women in American visual and popular culture. Bailey first used the term "Misogynoir" in a 2010 essay entitled "They aren't talking about me..." The term describes the specific type of discrimination experienced by black women, "I was looking for precise language to describe why Renisha McBride would be shot in the face, or why The Onion would think it’s okay to talk about Quvenzhané the way they did, or the hypervisibilty of Black women on reality TV, the arrest of Shanesha Taylor, the incarceration of CeCe, Laverne and Lupita being left off the TIME list, the continued legal actions against Marissa Alexander, the twitter dragging of black women with hateful hashtags and supposedly funny Instagram images as well as how Black women are talked about in music." 

That's great, but why are you talking about it now? Because my tweet storm fired off earlier this week wasn't enough.

I know it wasn't enough, because someone hopped in my mentions asking me what black women don't get and to enlighten them, as if google wasn't free, but my emotional labor was. Universities offer classes on race and gender studies all day. Tumblr and twitter are hotbeds of information if you know where to look. But, since it's still irking me, allow me to put it here and put it simply for posterity. Black women get hated on, regardless of what we do. And I am not talking about a black woman individually, or myself. I mean BLACK WOMEN TM as a group. As a group, black women are hated by society and we don't get shit. You want a list of what black women don't get? Good, because I have one.

Things Black Women Don't Get:

• To Be Girls - A study recently completed by Georgetown University found that American adults view black girls as less innocent than white girls. The study revealed that adults think black girls seem older and require less nurturing and protection than white girls of the same age. It also found adults think black girls know more about sex than their white counterparts. This study was done across racial/ethnic and educational backgrounds. Similar to how Ryan Lochte at 32 years old was a kid, but 12 year old Tamir Rice was 12 was "big for his age" and "could have easily passed for someone older", black girls aren't afforded the privilege of being girls. In American, black girls are disciplined much more often and more severely than white girls, both in the educational and justice systems.

• To Be Positively Pregnant - Both Beyoncé and Serena Williams released the most beautiful maternity photos I think I've ever seen. And in less than 48 hours both were targets of think pieces about why their photos were useless and didn't matter. Becky (literally, her name is Rebecca) had to open her mouth and say Beyoncé's photos were tacky, because she didn't understand the black cultural references in them. Rosie had to invalidate B and say pregnancy doesn't look like that. She's Beyoncé. She could eat a McChicken and make it look magical. Get the fuck over your internalized misogyny and hatred of black women, Rosie. Similarly, the photoshoot done by Serena Williams, who won the Grand Slam while fucking pregnant, was criticized and it was said it should be the last of it's kind because again "pregnancy doesn't look like that". I don't care if my pregnancy won't look like Serena's. My ass doesn't look like Serena's either; I am not about to win a Grand Slam anytime soon. What I do care about positive media portrayals of black pregnancy. We're bombarded with negative criticism, even though black pregnancies aren't easy. Pregnancies and labor are generally more difficult for black women because of systematic racism in health care and lack of access to health care, period.

• To Be Mothers - Black women aren't allowed to have positive relationship with motherhood. Slavery, white supremacy, and racism have created negative portrayals of black motherhood and permeate American culture. "The truth of the matter is public ridicule is not reserved for Black mothers who are celebrities. We see especially visceral reactions of hate and judgment for Black mothers that have lost their children to state sanctioned violence and or extrajudicial murders by law enforcement officers. The disdain for Black mothers is not reserved for a specific 'type' of Black mother. However things like lower financial means, age, martial status, number of children, gender presentation, and sexual orientation can intensify the hate their families receive." - Gloria Malone

• To Be Vulnerable and Soft - Do I even need to talk about the "Strong Black Woman" stereotype? Kerry Washington summed it up when doing press for Django Unchained, "Look I can see how it’s not particularly feminist to play the princess in the tower, waiting to be saved. But as a black woman – we’ve never been afforded that luxury. There was no man coming to save you; it wasn’t part of the story. In some ways, this telling is a statement of empowerment." Django Unchained is problematic as fuck, but Kerry makes a damned good point. Name another black damsel in distress? We don't get to be that. Vulnerability is a form a strength, and I'm glad I stumbled across that blog post earlier this week. But this is not a thing that is largely accepted for black women.

• To Be Complex - Black women are put in a box. We're stereotyped. We are not nuanced or containing multitudes. In Grad School I wrote a paper that said every black woman on television at the time was a prominent black female stereotype; mammies, jezebels, magical negroes, and angry black women. And while Shonda Rhimes is writing complex and well-rounded women, she is the exception to the rule. Black women suffer greatly from one-dimensional stereotyping. I can't count the times I've been told I'm "fill-in-the-blank" for a black girl. Black women are not thought of as complex, interesting, multitudinous people.  

• To Be Pioneers - The historical accomplishments of black women are overlooked. Did you know black women invented laser eye surgery, closed circuit television, and caller ID? They fucking did. A black woman invented rock and roll. Sister Rosetta Thorpe was one of the very first great gospel artists who crossed over and gained mainstream success, performing with a racially integrated band, and although guitar playing was for "men" she beat several men in guitar battles at the Apollo. She was one of the first black artist's to have a tour bus with her name on it, she was openly bisexual, her wedding was a concert for over 20,000 fans, gave Little Richard his first public performance, and toured in the UK before the "British Invasion". Where is this woman's biopic? And yet, Chuck Berry, or worse, Elvis, gets credited with inventing rock and people ask me what I'm doing at rock shows. Um, black women invented this shit. Along with my next bullet point

• To Be Punk - I've already written about my experiences as a black girl in what is considered a white space and how it affects my enjoyment of the scene. Something that I thought about recently and how much annoys me though? How come black women are neglected in the scene when Poly Styrene founded the X-Ray Spex and Ronnie Spector was the godmother of Punk?

• To Exist in Historical Context - When was the last time you saw a period piece that had a black woman in it that wasn't Belle and didn't have slaves? In real life Exhibit A & Exhibit B

• To Drive - Say Her Name. Sandra Bland. 

• To Own Their Culture & Be Celebrated For It - Culture Vultures are fucking everywhere, do I even have to explain this? Cornrows, hoop earrings, colored contacts, AAVE, extensions, large lips, big butts, whatever it is that black women have naturally and culturally doesn't belong to them. When we do it we're mocked, when other girls do it, they're praised.

• The Amount of Money They Deserve - The pay gap margin the worst for black women. Link.

• To Be Fictional  Movie Characters - Do y'all remember the outrage when it was rumored Zendaya was playing Mary Jane? Even though she wasn't actually playing Mary Jane, despite having the personality, acting skill, and physical beauty to make a bomb ass Mary Jane Watson? People tried to hide their misogynoir behind her not being a natural redhead, but Kirsten Dunst is blonde as fuck, and her hair got blonder as that franchise wore on.

• To Be Characterized Positively In The Media - I touched on this earlier. But seriously. Think of black female characters on TV.  Mammies, jezebels, magical negroes, and angry black women. We're always seen as loud, vindictive, petty and always ready for some mess.

• To Be Depressed - I've already written about how black women are more prone to depression, and less likely to seek help because the internalized and cultural myth of The Strong Black Woman.

• To Have Any Feelings That Aren't Anger - "But it wasn’t until recently that I began to see that the popular 'black girl with an attitude' trope was just a way to oppress and undermine black women and our ability to engage, connect and feel. These negative traits are consistently pinned on black women, depicting us as angry even as we calmly state an opinion, or as having an attitude when we are justifiably angry. Who cares if we are understandably angry about the countless black people murdered in the past year? The stereotype has parallels in the “strong black woman” and the “strong independent woman” (of any race): all limit our ability as women to emote, as if the only emotion we can express is anger and our only quality is strength." - Leah Sinclair

• To Be Desirable - Studies have revealed that black women are the least likely demographic to have success with online dating, because of stereotyping and racial bias.

• To Have Their Moment - Viola Davis couldn't accept her Emmy the way she wanted to, without a white woman telling her it wasn't about race; even though it was a historic moment for black women. Rihanna couldn't get her Video Vanguard Award without Drake trying to make it about his undying love her.

• To Date People - Megan Markle started dating Prince Harry and the response was so racist Buckingham Palace had to issue a statement telling them to stop with the fucking racism and remind them of Queen Charlotte who was black.

• To Be Healthily Sexual - Black women are reduced to either a mammy or a jezebel. It is the ultimate Madonna or Whore complex. Taken from the second source; "The descriptive words associated with this stereotype are singular in their focus: seductive, alluring, worldly, beguiling, tempting, and lewd. Historically, white women, as a category, were portrayed as models of self-respect, self-control, and modesty - even sexual purity, but black women were often portrayed as innately promiscuous, even predatory." Black women deserve to be able to have relationships with sex.

• To Be First Lady In Peace - Michelle Obama got the short end of that deal from day one, and she was the most educated, best First Lady this country has ever seen. Not only was misogynoir rampant in criticisms of her; so was transphobia - instead of being called a statuesque beauty, which she is, she was called a man. 

• To Be Praised - Everywhere you look people are trying to bring down black women in general, because they hate us so fucking much. OR. They're rewarding other women for doing the same shit. Taylor Swift made the same video as Rihanna, but she won a VMA for it and Rihanna didn't.

I'm over it. I really am. "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston, one of my favorite books, and the book from which I quoted at the beginning of this was written 80 years ago. In it, the black female protagonist Janie, searches for love, spiritual liberation, physical satisfaction, and a way to defy the laws of gender and race. She says the black women are the mule of the world;  “worked tuh death,” “ruint wid mistreatment,” yet strong enough to carry impossible “loads” nobody else wants to “tote.” However, through Hurston's storytelling, Janie is allowed to have a fuller and more complex existence than that traditionally afforded her in either literature or life. And that's all I fucking want for black women.

I am not going to let society's disdain for black women stop me from doing anything I'd like to do. I am  not going to let it make me feel like less of a woman or a person. I am going to embody #CareFreeBlackGirl-ness with every fiber of my being. However when you deny misogynoir, you help perpetuate it, and that's what I'm not about to do. I am going to call this shit out when I see it, and kindly link people right back to this blog post. I'm not one of the people who thinks ignoring the problem means it goes away. We need to call out racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and fuckery in general in order to end it. And we will end it. The patriarchy will be dismantled in my lifetime. Believe that.  If you'd like to learn more, follow these women on twitter. They will school you.

• https://twitter.com/JamilahLemieux

• https://twitter.com/thetrudz

• https://twitter.com/moyazb

• https://twitter.com/MsPackyetti

• https://twitter.com/IjeomaOluo

• https://twitter.com/AngryBlackLady

• https://twitter.com/BreeNewsome

• https://twitter.com/lambertraa

Until next time. xo

Oh, 2016. what a sly little devil.

well, here we are. the last day of 2016. in my final post of 2015, i said 2015 was garbage. if i was correct, and 2015 was garbage, then in 2016 we lit 2015 on fire, and we had a fucking garbage fire. the first few days of 2016 were quiet and i was blessed enough to spend them with loved ones. my best friend and i were having drinks on david bowie's birthday and i was talking about how much i loved him as the dj spun "modern love" and "china girl" back to back while wearing a labyrinth tee. i told him that black star was a brilliant album, but it was very dark and moody. david bowie was dead two days later. sharing something beautiful to be followed up by something painful basically describes the year i've had; the year i think most of us have had. the death of so many luminous artists. flint. aleppo. philando castille. standing rock. brexit. trump. but, there were babies born and weddings. laughter and joy. live music and good movies and new restaurants and great books. there was a lot of good and bad. i started the year in a very dark place. i wasn't working and that affected my mental health deeply; i'm still clearing some of the cobwebs and rebuilding my life financially. however, i'm ending the year happier than i've been in a very long time, and in awe of how much can change in twelve months. i found work i love, i fell in love again (it didn't work out), i went to shows, i made new friends, i made new bonds with old ones. it was an interesting year, and one i'm not likely to forget soon.

THE BIG 2016 LIST [ALL IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER] 

-THINGS I LOVED ABOUT 2016

i was able to spend a lot of time with my mom this year. i went to more shows that i can remember. i took a few road trips. i reconnected with my big sis. i watched my friends' children grow. i started a job i love. i lost weight, and then gained it, and then lost it again. there was so many good albums released this year. i grew. that's what i'm most proud of this year. i grew by leaps and bounds. things i had learned about myself over the past few years i put into application and i became a better person. i was able to end regular treatment with my therapist; we both agreed that my mental health was the best it had been since i started seeing her, and i was applying the things i'd learned. i hate to be cliche, but i've really begun to live my best life. 

-THINGS I HATED ABOUT 2016

where do i even fucking begin? everything felt brutal and raw this year, like poking an open wound. and on one hand, it made the good times feel that much better, but on the other hand, the rest of the year felt like having an anxiety attack while being hung over. the world lost a lot of heroes; to paraphrase my friend richard, "people who have influenced us, who played characters that we only dreamt of being, that we pretended to be when we were young (or even now), who's music got us through hard times (breakups, deaths, and more), who shaped who we are with their music, their characters, or just their lives". hatred and bigotry were normalized and applauded. innocent people were murdered by their governments, and it was broadcast for our consumption. there was so much ugliness, and i'm afraid it's only going to get worse.

-THE BEST ALBUMS OF 2016

this year was a ridiculously good year for music, and there are still a bunch of albums i haven't been able to listen to yet.

david bowie; black star // panic! at the disco; death of a bachelor // the hamilton soundtrack // rihanna; anti // sia; this is acting // ra ra riot; need your light // the 1975; i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it // hands like houses; dissonants // macklemore & ryan lewis; this unruly mess i've made // gwen stefani; this is what the truth feels like // zayn; mind of mine // baby metal; metal resistance // the lumineers; cleopatra // the deftones; gore // sleeping with sirens; live and unplugged // the used; live and acoustic at the palace // blaqk audio; material // beyonce; lemonade // pierce the veil; misadventures // issues; headspace // tiger army; v // beartooth; agressive // band of horses; why are you okay // nick jonas; last year was complicated // bat for lashes; the bride // blink-182; california // emarosa; 131 // good charlotte; youth authority // billy talent; afraid of heights // crystal castles; amnesty // frank ocean; endless and blonde // lindsey starling; brave enough // britney spears; glory // carly rae jepson; emotion: side b // a day to remember; bad vibrations // travis scott; birds in the trap sing mcknight // of mice & men; cold world // skylar grey; natural causes // every time i die; low teens // banks; the alter // solange; a seat at the table // phantogram; three // set it off; upside down // lady gaga; joanne // avenged sevenfold; the stage // waterparks; double dare // sleigh bells; jessica rabbit // miranda lambert; the weight of these wings // the weeknd; starboy // childish gambino; awaken, my love!

look below for my 2016 most listened to on spotify playlist*. 

-THE BEST MOVIES OF 2016

not such a good year for movies though.

pride and prejudice and zombies, deadpool, zootopia, captain america: civil war, keanu, ghostbusters, star trek beyond, pete's dragon, blair witch, the girl on the train, doctor strange, loving, fantastic beasts and where to find them, moana, rogue one, fences, hidden figures

-THE BEST TV SHOWS OF 2016

i'm behind on some of the new shows that premiered this year; binge watching has ruined me and i never watch things as they air anymore. of what i saw; i have to call out stranger things and westworld, obviously. i'm also gonna give it up to this year's season finale of game of thrones, and the episode of scandal where OP had an abortion on screen.

-THE BEST BOOKS OF 2016

i think i read even fewer books this year than last year. that makes me really unhappy, however, there's a plan in the works to combat that and you'll know more about that soon. that said, there were a few standouts for me this year.

ready player one by earnest cline (i can't believe they're making this a movie. how?? how is this all going to fit into one movie?).

liar by justine larbalestier (i stayed up and read this is one night. in fact, i might read it again over my long weekend).

gray by pete wentz (this book made me feel nostalgic in a good way. the end gutted me).

more happy than not by adam silvera (i read it twice this year, both times in less than 24 hours).

moonshine by alaya dawn johnson (the vampire novel market is over saturated, but i genuinely enjoyed this).

love in the time of global warming/the island of excess love by francesca lia block (so much yes to both of these).

wood nymph meets centaur by francesca lia block (turns out i'm a banshee/vamp and should be dating centaurs instead of fuckboys. who knew?).

armada by ernest cline (i'm willing to bet earnest cline spends a lot of time on reddit talking about how cool he is).

harry potter and the cursed child (harry potter: the christmas special/also, don't fuck with time travel, a cautionary tale. i liked it tho).

-THINGS I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2017

abundance in all areas of my life.

-HOW I DID ON MY 2016 GOALS

find fulfilling work--i definitely did this and i feel like the luckiest girl ever. i work for a company and brand that i've admired since i was a kid. i get to write about music and pop culture everyday. there's a civic component. i work with amazing people in a culturally rich environment. there are tons of benefits. i know i'm going to grow and further my personal goals here. it's just a really good fit, and it couldn't have come sooner or worked out better for me.

work/life balance--this evened out when i found my current job, but it was shit the first half of the year. i wasn't working steadily, so i felt guilty for trying to have a social life, because i shouldn't have been spending money like that. then, i was working at a start up in santa monica and spending 3.5 hours in traffic everyday and wanting to die, and i didn't even like the job. i am now in a job that i enjoy, my commute (while still being long) is shorter, and i make enough money to enjoy myself without being worried about the bills.

beautify my home life (my place kinda looks like leslie knope's)-- i sucked at this. if anything, i made things worse.

revamp my wardrobe-- this goal is a work in progress, but i am much closer to where i'd like to be in my overall personal style and my closet has grown dramatically this year. fashion is always evolving, anyway. i'm gonna call this a win.

eat better food-- i did a lot better at eating mindfully and varying what i ate, so i didn't end up in a food rut, but i was not as healthy as i wanted to be and my weight certainly fluctuated. i do want to trim a few pounds in the coming months.

purge unwanted and unnecessary junk-- if we're talking about people and relationships, then yes i did that. if we're talking about actual physical stuff, i failed.

spend more time outdoors-- if by outside, we mean under my covers with netflix, then yes, yes i did this.

-2017 GOALS

make this blog a priority

do more creative work

spend more time actually outdoors

move (preferably to mid-city, silverlake/echo park, or long beach)

get more tattoos

dance more

take moxi skate classes

start circus training again

travel

lastly, a bit of blog news. this site is going to be going purposefully dark for about six weeks or so. not that it would be surprising, considering i haven't adhered to a regular publishing schedule to begin with. like it says above, i'd like to make this blog and my creative pursuits a priority in 2017 and give this space my best; so i am taking some time "away", to revamp this space, organize and beautify it; and make a plan and schedule for 2017. when i come back, things are going to be better than ever. promise.

until then.

xo.

black girl in white space

I've been thinking about what happened to Solange (http://pitchfork.com/news/68197-solange-discusses-hostility-in-predominately-white-spaces-after-kraftwerk-concert-incident/) a lot since it happened. I posted about it on Facebook, and haven't talked about it since, but I've been thinking about it. I am a black person who spends the majority of my time in white spaces. And while I don't live my life feeling uncomfortable, I know EXACTLY what Solange is talking about. Please believe me, this was not an isolated incident that she experienced. This is just part of our lives.

I remember being about 8 years old and being obsessed with No Doubt. Rock radio in general. My older brother warned me, "don't be one of those weird black girls who listens to Green Day and stuff". I became one of those weird black girls who listened to Green Day. I don't think he was trying to clip my wings, I think he was being a protective, albeit misguided, older brother. He knew it wasn't going to be easy for me. Being a weird black kid at a predominately white school was hell; I've already blogged about that (SPHS + WOC = ? http://www.lambertraa.com/blog/2016/1/27/sphs-woc-). This is not that, but that's part of this.

I go a lot of shows. A LOT. Everyone who knows me, knows this. My first show was the 2003 Honda Civic Tour with Good Charlotte and New Found Glory headlining. My mom took me, because she felt I was too young to go to Hollywood with one of my friends no supervision. This was not my mom's scene, so she was a little curious. She looked around after we had been there for a few minutes, "We're the only black people here." She paused, "You're unique, Jordan. That's cool." We had a great time that night, my mom walked about liking New Found Glory a lot. She got an insight into the person I was becoming; I got to see my favorite bands and bond with her. It was a really good night. However, I was learning that not everyone would find my uniqueness as cool as my mother did. And, this night would set a precedent. This wasn't the only time I'd be the only black person at a show.

AFI is my favorite fucking band of all time. I live and breathe by Davey Havok. If it was the holy quadriology and not trinity it would be the father, the son, the holy spirit, and Davey Havok in my eyes. The first time I saw AFI live was in support of Decemberunderground; my friends and I drove five hours to Bakersfield to see them. We were in the pit, before they started, and someone said "What the hell is that black girl doing here?" Of all the things I expected to happen at that show, that wasn't one of them. I deflated. I loved AFI. I had been listening to AFI for five years. I was literally a card carrying member of their fan club. This was my first chance to see them live. I had been dreaming of this show for ages. I belonged there. And here was this yokel, questioning me, because of the color of my skin. My white best friend, didn't skip a beat. "What the fuck did you just say about my friend?" We were with a crowd of 20 Despair Faction (AFI fan club) members. They all knew me from the message board, they all rallied around me and made that bigot know he wasn't welcome in our pit. Hours later, when Davey Havok was godwalking through the crowd and his basically standing on my head, I wasn't thinking about what had just happened. But, it's something I never forgot. It stung. This wasn't the last time something like that happened.

I have been to several shows where been one of few, if not the only, black persons there. I have been to several shows where I've been called out for it. While the landscape of the scene has changed and it is far more inclusive now; I've been through my share of shit. I saw Marilyn Manson three times on the same tour; the second time a white male asked me if I knew who Marilyn Manson was and if I was at the right show. I took my nephew to see Black Veil Brides and Falling In Reverse. It was his first show and his favorite bands were playing. We were the only black people there, and I could tell it bothered him when he noticed and pointed it out. I reassured him it didn't matter, we were there for the music and that was all that mattered. And thank God, Set It Off opened, and Dan Clermont, their guitarist is magical black man. I pointed out Dan, and told my nephew again, this is our scene, too. I punched a guy in the face during a Thrice set at a festival, and it was one of the most affirming moments of my life. You will not push me during this set, you will not try and get in front of me, you will not take my space; I fucking belong here, this is my scene. I planned to meet with friends at Taste of Chaos, and we tried to plan a meeting spot. "I'll be hiding from the sun", a friend said. "I'll be one of six black people", I laughed. "You think there will be that many there?" It's funny, but it's not. I met the vocalist for Old Wounds at Warped in their merch tent, we had a great time talking and I promised I'd be at their next LA show, "I'll be looking for you", he said. "I'll be the only black girl there." He sighed, "I hope not!". We laughed, but the scene isn't a space readily accesible to people of color. It's far more welcoming than other places; I've been to country concerts and almost left, because people were flying the confederate flag as they tailgated.

This isn't a concert issue. This is an America issue. But, that should be obivous. My mom and I go to a lot of museums, it's kind of our thing. We get a lot of odd looks. We got called 'colored' by a security gaurd at the Norton Simon, who was radioing his boss about our 'suspicious behavior'. The first time I got followed around a store, I was 10 years old in a high end beauty supply store, shopping with my mother. We didn't look like belonged in that shop, in that neighborhood. Honestly, I can't even go to Trader Joe's without a white person asking me if I know how to cook those brussel sprouts and offering me their shitty ass recipe on the spot, or asking me how if I buy flowers often. They aren't being a friendly. I know someone is going to come into my comments and say they're being friendly. There's a tone of voice, a demeanor, the way they say it. You know when you're being talked down to. You know when it's because you're black. I was racially profiled at Disneyland of all places. I got accused of stealing, because I'm young, I'm black, and the woman thought I couldn't afford the high end Disney luggage I had used for my stay at the Disneyland hotel; so I must have been trying to shoplift it from the giftshop. How do I know this? Because my white best friend walked right past her, also carrying souvenirs out in the open, and she didn't get anything but a, "Have a magical day".

The only bright spot I can think of in all of this, is the excitment of seeing another black person in a white space. You may not know this if you're not a POC, but POC get really excited to see other POC in public, in white spaces. We are not alone. We are not tokens. This is a place for us, too. At Warped 2016, a black kid I didn't know became my best friend for five minutes, because we were two of four black people screaming the lyrics to New Found Glory and dancing our hearts out. Twice, my mom and I have been at museum exhibits, and gotten told special museum secrets by security gaurds, because they were so happy to see other black people there. My family was stopped at the Renaissance Faire by a black performer, who was very happy to see people from "her land", at the faire. I held a long conversation about the price of bread with a woman at Trader Joe's, because the same rude white woman had almost ran her cart into the both of us. The only black performer at Medieval Times gave his flowers to my mom, because he was happy to see us in the front row. We are here, we exist, our presence is valid.

I'm not writing this to bitch and moan and complain about how hard it is to be black. I love being me. Part of being me is being black. I wouldn't change that for the world. But, I feel more and more it's my job as a black person, and a black person with a platform (even if it's a small one like this blog), to use my platform and affirm and validate the voices and struggle of my brothers and sisters. Because, it feels like no one believes us. Everyone wants to discount. People want to say the world has gotten to sensitive, too politically correct, all lives matter; instead of saying, something isn't right here. Let's do better.

The instances I referred to at shows have lessened the older I've gotten. I've made way more friends and am usually known when I go out. The scene has become more inclusive. I like to believe it's because of people like me, who were passionate about the music they loved, and wouldn't let their discomfort at being in a white space stop them. We have to keep doing this. We can't be shy. We have to be brave, and bold, and passionate. We have to knock on doors and bang them down. We have to let other people know I belong here, and you do too. And, if something like what happened to Solange happens to us, we have to talk about it. We have to affirm each other's voices.

I think I'm done. The next post I'm planning will also be show focused, but it's going to be more lighthearted.

Until then. I'm gonna close this out with some of my favorite concert photos I've taken. There's a lot of Davey.

xo

EDITED TO ADD: Dude. I feel like this post is now even more relevant today RE: Tim Burton's ignorant ass comments about the lack of diversity in his films. He was probably blind sided by the question, but his answer was really stupid. As a HUGE fan of his work, it was totally disheartening and reminded me of how "bad" I felt being a black person who was into his creepy aesthetic, because I never saw myself fitting into that world, because there was literally no one who looked like me. TO DO: Make film shorts about a creepy black girl, aka black Vampira.

ugh. what is this world.

I've been waking up sad recently. I had a matter of the heart go not the way I wanted it to. Then Bernie Sanders lost the CA primary. Then Christina Grimmie was murdered. Then Orlando. Then all of the other shootings. And there have been no changes. None. It hurts. All of it hurts so much. 

I don't have a hot take. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said. I don't want to argue with egg accounts on twitter about gun control. I don't want to post more sad and angry lyrics hoping he'll see them. I don't want to vote for a third party candidate. 

My therapist and I had to go back and so some deep dirty work recently. We did an exercise we haven't done for a while... I forgot until we got to the end, that it ends with lay down and die. Every choice is life or death. Every fear ends with giving up and curling up dying. And that's obviously not a choice. You don't lay down and die. What do you do?

I'm ending this a quote by one of my favorite writers/musicians. "every time shit like this happens my heart breaks open a little wider and the space that is left also gets filled with resolve. resolve to stay calm and compassionate and centered. unafraid. more loving. more convinced that there is value to stopping a breathing and considering what is necessary to say, and how, and when. to cause no more pain...we have enough. the ingredients that will actually add a drop of hope to the cesspool." - amanda palmer

You leave your heart open and you do the dirty work and you make it better. I don't know what this world is. But I want to make it a better place where girls like me don't wake up sad.