One Year Later

Something bad happened to me last year. I’m not going to go into details, but it it was something that was done to me, against my will, that hurt me. I knew this was going to trouble me for some time after. My friends were there in the moments immediately after and did all they could so the bad thing didn’t become a worse thing. I immediately contacted my therapist and I told my mom. I contacted the authorities. I did everything right. And I did everything I could to move on. But, moving on is a bitch.

Life moves on. Whether you’re ready for it to or not. So, you’re trying to process something bad, and then you have to break up with a friend. And then you’ve got weddings to attend. And then your concert tickets can’t go to waste. And then there’s big news at work. And you’re trying to process, but you’re also trying to live your life to the fullest. Moving on is a bitch.

And sometimes while you’re trying to move forward, you feel like you’re moving backwards. Because new pains remind you of old pains and scars start to throb and memories come rushing back, and the lid of the box where you keep all the bad things is nowhere to be found and all of a sudden you’re stuck in time. Reliving all of the pain all over again.

It hasn’t been an easy year. When trauma is compounded with more trauma… it hasn’t been an easy few years, to that point.

But, the sun always shines. I was forced to stand up. To stand in my power. When I wanted nothing more than to lay on the ground and never get up. The way trauma ripples through you and touches everything; so does your power. Stand up, stand in your power. I’ve watched my life change in the last year in ways I could never imagine. Every misstep allowed me to make a better move. I’m never going to say I’m grateful for what I went through, I’m never going to say it was a good thing. But, the sun always shines.

I’m a different person one year later. I’m proud of this person. I’m glad about how she navigated grief and adversity. I’m proud that she didn’t let a bad person hamper her belief that people are good. I’m proud that she never let a broken heart stop her from believing in love. I’m proud that with shaken confidence she kept walking. I’m glad that she makes measured decisions, that she uses her voice, that she keeps certain truths within her heart, that she tries and tries again, and that’s she still here. Standing in her power.

I look forward to a year from now. When it’s two years later. And to the years when I no longer mark the years it’s been.

18 Months

I haven’t updated the blog. I wanted to give my BLM post space and time to breathe. Nothing seemed important enough to knock it lower down the page.

And then I wanted to give myself space and time to breathe. I picked up a lot of bad habits during the first few months of quarantine and I needed to un-fuck myself.

And then…life just happened. And it kept happening. It was hard to keep up. I went back to work (from home), I did Halloween (from home), the Election, Thanksgiving over Zoom, Christmas at home, the Insurrection, opening the world, closing the world, opening the economy, staying at home to slow the spread, vaccinations, FREEDOM, Delta, back in the house…

It’s been a lot. During that time I’ve grown a lot. I’ve listened to a lot of music. Watched a lot of television. Written a lot of long captions on IG and then archived the posts later. Gotten in TTRPG’s and started my own Twitch show - I’m really proud of that. I’ve invested in a lot of important relationships, I’ve let some relationships go, I’ve been loud on the internet (what’s new), but especially about blackness and politics. I’ve…done a lot. It’s been a lot. 

As the rest of the internet gets to be…less fun and interested, I’m committed to returning to this space and utilizing it. I’ve always treated this space as one part diary, one part lifestyle blog and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Particularly as social media becomes less and less friendly towards creators of color, especially black women, I feel it’s important to maintain my own space. The way I gave this blog space to breathe for BLM; I’m giving myself space to breathe away from Zuckerberg and his rampant censorship. 

I’m not sure what comes next here, but keep an eye on it. 

Damn, I should probably overhaul these header images, shouldn’t I? 

BLM 2020

It is summer 2016. I am mindlessly scrolling through Twitter at the end of the night. I start seeing the tweets. Black man shot in Minnesota by the cops. My heart stops. My brother lives in Minnesota. I text him and his girlfriend. I scour twitter for information. I am crying as hard as I’ve ever cried - I am doing it quietly, because I don’t want my mom to hear me. I don’t know want her to know yet. My brother finally texts me back. He has been at home all night. I drop my phone and really let it out. I tell my mom what happened, I tell her Michael is safe. It wasn’t Michael; it was Philando. 

That was four years ago. The only reason I didn’t have a repeat of this exact situation earlier this week is because I have basically stopped using Twitter and because my brother has moved to Florida. I now only worry for his life because of COVID deniers. 

Respectable folks want to say nothing happens because of riots. But, uh…have you ever been to a PRIDE event? You can drink your overpriced, water downed cocktails and fondle a gay man’s abs, because black and brown trans women had decided that they had e-fucking-nough with the goddamned police and did what needed to be done. 

I am a “respectable” black person. I am your weird, quirky friend. I am the girl that has always been “pretty for a black girl”. I am your “oreo”. I am “not even that black”. And I’m sick of this shit. My Master’s Degree, my good job, my interracial neighborhood, and my allies have protected me so much as they can - but nothing can protect any person of color, any BLACK person, from racism in America. Dismantling racism is the only protection we will ever have. And if we have to dismantle this country for it to happen… I want my brothers and sisters to feel safe. I want to feel safe. Being respectable hasn’t ended racism. If it could have, it would’ve ended with Barack - there hasn’t been a more respectable black man…until Christian Cooper. 

We know that black people in America can’t drive, get pulled over, go jogging, sleep in their own home, defend their home from unidentified shooters, sell CD’s, go bird watching, have a bbq, relax in their own home, ask for help after being a car accident, have a cellphone, leave a party and get to safety, play loud music, walk home from the corner store, play cops and robbers, go to church, walk home with Skittles and Iced Tea, hold a hairbrush while leaving their own Bachelor party, party on NYE, lawfully carry a weapon, breakdown on a public road with a car known to have car problems, shop at WalMart, have a disabled vehicle, read a book in their own car, walk with their grandmother, decorate for a party, ask a cop a question, cash a check, take out their wallet, or breathe freely.

To those of you that know me, would you be surprised to know that I can’t go to Disneyland, go out dancing, go to concerts, get my nails done, play make-believe, go to my best friends house, jaywalk, date, pursue my education, go to the bank, be in a “white” neighborhood at night, drive my car, excel in my profession, walk around my own neighborhood, or cosplay without experiencing racism? I’ve experienced racism doing ALL of those things, and I walked away with my life…because the odds were in my favor that day. 

The whole world changed based off of one terrorist attack and drastic measures were taken almost everywhere that "inconvenienced" everyone for their own safety. Australia created and passed gun control laws after one mass shooting. But America still can’t figure out institutionalized racism? Excuse me? No one has any answers right now, except, “stop rioting”. What?

We are still in the middle of a pandemic. A respiratory illness with no cure and the police still think it’s necessary to shoot tear gas into crowds?? Address the problem. Eliminate the need for crowds to gather in a time when it’s not safe for crowds to gather. De-militarize the police. Retrain them. End systemic racism. 

And speaking of the pandemic… it was an issue until people found out that black peopled people of color, old people, and “sick” people were the only ones dying. Then they wanted their shops open again. They stormed the capital building with guns and they were “good people”. If they been out there, protesting because our government left us out in the cold to DIE, instead of having a full staffed CDC to protect us and heading the warning of the WHO - they maybe I would say they were good people. They wanted haircuts and to get their nails done and to eat at a restaurant. They are not good people.

Black people protesting and rioting and looting are not THUGS. First of all - there’s so much evidence that it is NOT black people incited violence or looting at all - but white opportunists making things worse. BUT - even if it was black folks; riots and looting are legitimate and profound forms of protest against a system that values goods and services more than human life. America’s value of goods and services over human life has never been more apparent than now; when we end an epidemic because people need to get their teeth cleaned. Furthermore, Donald Rumsfeld empathized with looters in Iraq, “And while no one condones looting, on the other hand one can understand the pent-up feelings that may result from decades of repression and people who've had members of their family killed by that regime, for them to be taking their feelings out on that regime.” Let’s keep that same energy now. 

As a society, we have no right to criticize or dictate how black people respond to over four hundred years of murder, oppression, violence, demonization, vilification, and being disadvantaged at every turn in a country that we built for free. Black people have peacefully protested over and over again, to no results. Where’s Collin Kaepernick’s job? Stop acting like Martin Luther King wasn’t assassinated.

Black people are angry. We have been victims to capitalism and racism our entire lives. We are grieving. Have you ever experienced grief? Grief doesn’t go away. It doesn’t end. If you’ve experienced personal grief, you know that it sits with you and bubbles over at the slightest provocation. Can you imagine systemic grief? Things can be replaced. Windows get boarded up, spray paint gets washed away. Black people, human lives, can’t be replaced. Black people have had ENOUGH. I am angry. I am grieving. I am TIRED. I am heartbroken. I have had ENOUGH. 

#AhmaudArbery

#BothamJean 

#AtatianaJefferson

#JonathanFerrell 

#RenishaMcBride

#StephonClark

#JordanEdwards

#JordanDavis

#AltonSterling

#AiyanaJones

#MikeBrown

#TamirRice

#Charleston9

#TrayvonMartin

#SeanBell

#OscarGrant

#SandraBland

#PhilandoCastile

#CoreyJones

#JohnCrawford

#TerrenceCrutcher

#KeithScott

#CliffordGlover

#ClaudeReese

#RandyEvans

#YvonneSmallwood

#AmadouDiallo

#WalterScott

#EricGarner

#FreddieGray

#GeorgeFloyd

#AndAllTheNamesWeDontKnow

More Quarantine Blues

'I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.' —Stephen Chbosky 

Because I was an edgy hipster on Tumblr in my early 20’s, I think and talk about this quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower  a lot. I’ve really be feeling it the past few days. 

California - Los Angeles, specifically, may be extending their Safer-At-Home policy. There’s no official news, just speculation. It’s a decision I support, even if it doesn’t make me happy. The virus and being healthy is my first priority. I have already lost one person that I loved dearly to it. It has devastated me. It has wrecked my family. I can’t go through that again. It’s been extremely nerve wracking and anxiety inducing to hear all of this talk of "opening back up”. To see the photos of these violent terrorists demanding that people put their lives at risk, so they can feel comfortable. We don’t have a solidified treatment plan or a vaccine for COVID-19. Herd Immunity isn’t going to save us. No one else should die from this. It needs to be eradicated. But, it’s still so new, that we barely know how it works. Being isolated isn't my first choice of how to live - but I'd rather do that, then rush going out into the world. 

The narrative seems to be that those of us who are glad that things remain shut-down are having the time of our lives, or we don’t care about the economy. That simply isn’t true. Our shut-down sucks. Workers are still at risk. Those of use who are at home don’t have adequate fiscal relief. We’re not enjoying this in a blanketed way; we’re making the best of things. We’re trying to find the silver lining in feeling like our local California government is *trying* to do the right thing. They are “trying” to keep us safe. Who thinks that we can actually go back to “normal”, when we’ve made no progress at curing this plague? Furthermore, I don't think our previous "normal" was healthy for us, as a society, or for the earth. So, I’m not really in a rush to get back to it. I wish this could last until we, as a people, learn from this pause and create lasting change for our society - particularly implementing universal basic income, healthcare for all, and more energy efficiency/green legislation. I am afraid that it won't happen though. I don't have faith in the leadership of our nation or our voting population to do the right thing. If they were going to do that - they would have already.

Our national leadership has failed us, and I can’t say this loudly enough to make it sink in. They failed us dramatically before COVID-19 was transmitted to a human, and they continue to fail us every single day. Being in isolation was supposed to give them time to actually do something. It wasn’t supposed to be the answer. We weren’t supposed to stay home until the virus “ended”. It was supposed to give time to keep the hospitals from becoming overwhelmed, to put contact tracing systems in place, to see how other countries have handled this, to heal the already sick, to find a way to limit and contain outbreaks, to fund a goddamned vaccine and clinical trials - AND THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT SUGGEST WE DRINK BLEACH. And support domestic terrorists who demand we go back outside and say that science is an evil lie. They have wasted the time we bought, by keeping ourselves safe, and we don’t being to have a grasp on when or how this will “end”. 

Too much thinking about anything that happens after this is stressful. I have tried to focus on the issues and things I can control and take care of; day by day. I have found joy moment to moment. I miss my family more than anything right now. I miss my friends to badly it hurts. I miss my job and the sense of pride it gave me - but I don't think going back to the way things were before is possible for our society as a whole, let alone our smaller society within my work place - an office building is a professional petri dish. I know that I am privileged, and that I’m looking on the bright side of things and being optimistic that I don’t have to be worried about my job. My company has great leadership and has lasted a long time in an ever changing retail landscape, when a lot of our competitors have not. I received unemployment benefits quickly and easily, and I had a savings account when this started. I realize how privileged I am to be able to compartmentalize my economic stress - but I don’t want to put other people at risk, to maintain my comfort. Human lives don’t have a dollar sign attached to them. I would rather be uncomfortable, then put another person at risk. 

Anyone who thinks anyone is outright enjoying this, with no pain, no fear, no trauma, is just not thinking. All of this is pure suffering. We can escape into Twitch, Netflix, and whatever else to occupy our time, but it is an escape. We are constantly reminded that this is happening because people are dying. We are actively combatting our multi-faceted fears. Very few people want to not go anywhere. That’s why solitary confinement and ankle bracelets are punishments. This shit is inhumane but what other choice do we have? This sucks. Even though the over-arching theme of this is scary and hard - I am doing my best to enjoy this and make the most of it. There's never been another time in my adult life where I've been able to watch all the television and movies I wanted to, read multiple books a week, play my fill of video games, pick up multiple new hobbies, and not be stressed about money, either. And this probably won't happen for me again until I retire. And when I can think about that, and not the terror that I feel, it’s okay. 

I can be happy about this, because I value people coming together and doing the work, and I value human lives. I want to stay in, because I don’t myself, my housemates, or anyone else to die. No one’s life is less important than my personal economy, the national economy, or me being able to go out and about the way I used to.  Our national leadership is off the rails, and I’m blessed and proud to be a Californian. It sucks that we have to do this, but I will do it. I’m not going to be part of the problem when the death toll in the US hits 1 million. And that makes me happy and sad at the same time.

And I swear to god, if I hear one more person talk about this being a conspiracy, I will personally mail a bag a of cow shit to their front door. The end. Goodbye.

Until next time.

xo